Lexi: Before experimental American animation started to become a fad in the 90s, the unassuming year of 1981 provided us with the R-rated animated masterpiece Heavy Metal. With animation and themes far beyond its time, this sci-fi work of art seems to have been predicated on the concept of “I don’t care what you think; I’m awesome, so fuck you.” There’s never been anything quite like it before or since, and the original remains one of my favorite films to date. But, of course, whenever anything becomes too popular, there will be someone to cling to its coattails… which brings us to the 19-year-late sequel, Heavy Metal 2000. Is it possible to recreate the combination of the lightning strike, cobra bite, and raw, unadulterated “fuck you” that made the original what it was? Who knows — maybe. We do, however, know that 2000 wasn’t the savior we were hoping for. What this sequel was is quite obvious: A crudely-orchestrated attempt to replicate the ingredients that made the original Heavy Metal so amazing, and hopefully turn the love of its fanbase into a brand new influx of cold, hard cash. It has all the ultimate evil, casual nonsense, and animated boobies one could ask for, and a great deal more than I’m able to shake a stick at… but that doesn’t, by a long shot, mean it was actually good. I was somehow able to talk my good friend and fellow critic Brooke into watching this with me, and while we certainly had a good time poking fun at it, Heavy Metal 2000 isn’t without it’s… um… problems. Among them: Not the cover art. Brooke: I went into this movie with absolutely no expectations, having never viewed the original. And to be honest, at first I thought I was watching Tank Girl. My first clue that this wasn’t Tank Girl should have been the title. #BlondMoments. This is important to know because having high expectations, or low ones, can wreck a movie experience. So my thoughts on this, ahem, “film” are purely based on an unbiased viewing, and a second viewing where I found even more things to mock and deride. If I watched this a third time I would probably have nothing but sarcastic jokes and pop culture references to make about it. Oh who are we kidding, that’s what I was gonna do anyway. Lexi: Wait, you never saw the original?! You told me you had! I feel so betrayed! Everything I know is a lie! Well, I certainly know what we’re watching next. Brooke: I honestly thought it was Tank Girl. Now, to make a confusing anecdote even more convoluted, I actually did see this movie, or at least a portion of it years ago on SciFi. Oh, excuse me, I mean SyFy (ugh). Mostly that one scene with King K. Rool. Lexi: Don’t worry, I’ll punish you later. For the moment, we still have to worry about Heavy Metal 2000, and somehow do our best to quantify what exactly about it was so bad. Though, actually, I should somewhat retract that — I didn’t actually hate it. It wasn’t good, but it was pretty fun. If I had never seen the original, having something to compare the sequel to, I probably wouldn’t have minded it all that much. It was over-the-top, campy, well-animated, and even “titillating” from time to time. Standing on its own, it was stupid but watchable… emphasis on stupid, of course. Brooke: Now Lexi, we are snide internet critics. We don’t put the positive spin on it ‘til the end of the review. Unless I fell asleep at my desk again and we’re at the end? Okay, I guess we can try to break the trend and do something different. Let’s see, the animation is good. It actually gets better later on, strangely. Maybe they couldn’t afford to retake the first scenes. Oh! And two sidekick characters, years before Frozen did it. Take that, Disney! Lexi: Well… the 2D animation is good. Remember that their hilarious attempts at 3D integration look like Baldur’s Gate cutscenes. There are several points in this movie (usually in pieces of moving scenery, but occasionally with characters) where they’d shoehorn in some still-jointed, out-of-place 3D models that looked like they were made out of digital jello. We’re talking one step down from Malebolgia from 1997’s Spawn. They even made the mistake of using this for the end-villain’s final form, making him way too hilarious to take seriously. There’s just no excuse for this. Brooke: Well, if we’re being fair, did he ever stand a chance of being taken seriously? He came straight off a plot contrivance and jumped the shark harder than Mega Shark noshing on an airliner. I mean, I called that asshole, but that doesn’t make it not contrived. Lexi: Is that… how jumping the shark works? I always felt like it involved jumping over a shark, not sharks jumping. Brooke: I always interpreted that phrase to mean doing something so utterly random as to be a narrative cheat, or just plain not thought out. Or it could describe the world’s deadliest type of porn. If you know what I mean. I’m sorry, let’s leave the saucy talk out of our softcore sci-fi adult film. Between this and the troll-thing scene, I may become over excited. Speaking of contrived, and shark-jumping plots, what of the story dear Lexi? Did it make total sense to you, because there were things I didn’t get ‘til the second viewing. I get characters’ motives, but they went to some odd places to get there. Lexi: I got most of the plot. I think the only thing I really missed was the beginning, where the resident Evil McGuffin of Evil (according to a quick Google search, this is a shard of the Loc-Nar from the first film) corrupts the main villain (the terrifyingly-named “Tyler”), turning him from a totally normal guy into a slobbering maniac with a dissonantly calm, Wolverine-esque voice. After that I mostly followed what was going on. He wanted the other evil thing because “IMMORTALITY,” and then he was all “MWAHAHA BOMB INNOCENT CIVILIAN TOWNS,” and then he kidnapped the one chick’s sister for obvious reasons, and then the heroine was all “Oh no you didn’t motherfucker, time to take off my clothes and bring the fight to you.” Then wacky hijinks occur from there. And there’s a baby rock-guy. Did I get it about right? Brooke: That was hauntingly on point. I feel like I lived it, which is more than I can say from watching it. Twice. Since you bring up Tyler the tyrant (Not his real title) I was going to point out how undramatic his transformation was. He went from a stupid ass with no personality, to a stupid ass with a sleazy personality in no time. And he grew all that fabulous hair. I hate to imagine what he had to pay on conditioner. But for realsies, he has no personality to start with. He’s just a frame to hang a maniac skin on, so when he changes it’s like, eh. <shrug> He literally grew a personality along with his insanity. Lexi: If only I could do that…. But now seems like a perfect time to mention what is, aside from his bizarre voice-acting, the most distinct thing about our overall underwhelming villain…. He’s fucking Gaston. Which brings about a whole new world of jokes we can make about him. Oh, Brooke, I think I feel a song coming on…! Well, I mean, this is a text review so I can’t really do that. Nonetheless, no one bombs civilians like Gaston! Brooke: Now I want to make a video of Tyler’s greatest moments, with Gaston’s song playing over it. It will be my greatest work. Buuut back to the movie, saying Gas– I mean, Ty– fuck it. I’m gonna just call him Gaston on reflex now anyway. Saying Gaston gets a personality may be over selling it. His batshit factory settings are creepy, horny, and blah blah immortality (Lexi: “IMMORTALITYYYY!!!”). And his catch phrase, of course — “When you kill someone, make sure they’re dead.” I know the writers knew when they plagiarized that from Hang ‘Em High that it would be the stuff of t-shirts, and tattoos, and if this had been more recent, a shitload of internet memes to spam your friends with. And for all his Fabio hair, and over the top cartoon antics, he really doesn’t get any smarter. “Hmmm, glowing thing buried in a rock, I think I’ll pick it up, maybe even lick it. Could be cherry flavored!” He literally tells his co-worker not to touch it because it could be a level-4 biohazard, then he picks it up. No one gets radiation poisoning like Gaston! It’s almost like he knew he was destined to be a supervillain. In the opening narration, told to us by a choking munchkin (I hope it was worth it for him) there’s a story about a key that opens something, and makes whomever touches it crazy. But he says it like, “Thhhe Keeeee”… like the alien guys from Toy Story. You know, the characters they ripped off to make the Minions. Not that they ever got a movie. This is probably exaggerated in my mind because of the annoying little shitkick with the orgasm voice. He is technically an alien come to think of it… hmmm. Lexi: …Are you done? Brooke: Sorry, I was just exposition dumping. Just like the heroine. Lexi: Speaking of which, she’s a pretty alright character, in comparison to the rest of the cast. I realize that’s not saying much, but she does that “tough chick” thing pretty well, which is helped along by the fact that she’s at least six feet tall and can pull enormous fucking miniguns out of her… cape? Pocket? Vagina? I’m really not sure where she hides that thing, especially considering how terrible she is at concealing those zero-grav cartoon boobies of hers. Those things are just all over the place. Which reminds me, what the fuck is with this movie’s obsession with big-ass door-knocker nipple rings? Like, I love me some nipple rings, but not only are they weirdly prevalent and ubiquitous in this movie, they’re just… so big. Even the robot has some. And one of the guards has nipple rings that go on over her armor. That takes real dedication. Brooke: Or just sloppy character designing. Lexi: Probably just that. When laziness and fetishes come together, amazing things can happen. Brooke: I agree about Julie (the heroine), though. She is nicely rendered, if you can suspend disbelief, though the artists probably had a little too much fun with her. I didn’t like her character at first, because she was kind of one song — that being REVENGE!! Now, that is a song I can dance to, but I like a little more in a lead character, and she does eventually open up a bit. At least she has better motivations than getting laid. No one gets blue balls like Gaston! Her sister on the other hand, is the prettiest character I never cared about. Lexi: Wait a second, back up there — did you just caption an image? That’s my gimmick! Naughty Brooke! As for the sister, I agree. Not like she gets a single shred of character development. I think the only things I know about her are that she, A) Likes long, sensuous showers, and B) Has a strict don’t-rape-me policy. Then again, who doesn’t love a hot, relaxing shower? Brooke: And she gets like four whole lines of dialogue. Since she gets so little attention, I have to wonder why she survived at all. She could have died when Gaston’s ship crashed, and Julie would still have her motivation. She thought her sister was dead. So there was no need for her to rescue her, from the plot standpoint. But she did give us our first gratuitous nude scene, and where would this movie be without those? Lexi: Honestly, nowhere. The nudity is pretty much the only thing that made this movie watchable, transforming “poorly-written, badly-acted stupidity” into “amusing guilty pleasure.” But it’s worth noting that the sisters don’t kiss each other at the end. Brooke: Buuut, at the end of the movie, Julie says to (someone) that “Eternity is a long time to spend alone.” And she clearly wasn’t talking about Germain St. Germain. Also take into account it was established there was no jump port back from planet who-gives-a-shit. Soooo, while nothing is confirmed, or even strongly suggested, there is plenty for fanboy femslash fan-fiction. Now kiss. Lexi: Good enough for me. Brooke: Now we have to wrap up Lexi, but we already did the positive spin. Lexi: So we do a negative wrap-up! This movie is a pile of fucking shit! It has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and I’m not the least bit surprised. It’s a vapid, meaningless cash-grab, hopelessly failing to grasp the spirit of the original film and managing to pitifully limp along on fanservice alone. The plot is simpler than most children’s films and the characters are for the most part unlikeable or outright awful. While the animation is genuinely good, on par with most 2D Disney films, it breaks the suspension of disbelief with its horrendous, pointless 3D segments. The dialogue is exhaustively simple and the “big twist” can be seen from miles away. Because of course Billy Idol was the actual villain. It’s okay Billy Idol. I forgive you. https://youtu.be/FG1NrQYXjLU See larger image Heavy Metal 2000 New From: $4.75 USD In Stock Share this:TweetShare on TumblrLike this:Like Loading... Related Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.