Holy moly! The last time I was this happy that I hadn’t read the books beforehand was the last royal wedding! But first, let’s look back over all those other storylines that I have to admit to not caring all that much about. I mean, really. A week with no Dany (Emilia Clarke), no Arya (Maisie Williams), and no Crows? So poor Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen). I mean, he was always a bit of a douche, but what Ramsay’s (Iwan Rheon) done to him makes even my cold, black heart feel a slight tremor of something. Is this what you normal people call empathy? Ooo. I just shuddered. If there’s one thing this show does with flair and style, it’s beat a poor motherfucker down and make them a dog. Hell, Ramsay’s not even an “official” offspring of Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton), but he’s still got free reign to torture and torment innocent people all the live-long day. Man, are the peasants just screwed in this show or what? Meanwhile everybody’s favorite one-handed incest enthusiast (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) reveals that he really can’t do fuck-all with his left hand and is coasting on bluff. Luckily, the only Lannister anyone likes (Peter Dinklage) offers the services of a discreet sellsword who can train him. When Jaime meets Bronn (Jerome Flynn) in a secluded place by the ocean where no one can hear them training, I couldn’t help but think there was probably a better place he could take him. But where? That was too easy. I apologize. Bronn does double-duty this week, not only does he take care of Jaime’s secret training, but he’s also tasked with getting the ever-annoying Shae (Sibel Kekilli) on a boat out of town, which he says he does, but we can’t be too sure. He was acting awfully shifty. But if anyone knows the Price of Love, it’s Bronn. Meanwhile, we also check in with Stannis (Stephen Dillane) and his two crazy wives. I know, I know, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) isn’t really his wife, but… At least she’s a step up from the raving lunatic (Tara Fitzgerald) he’s actually married to. For a minute there, I almost felt sorry for her, being crazy and all, but when she starts talking about beating Shireen (Kerry Ingram) because she’s clearly tainted by evil thanks to her scaly birth defect, I decided, no. No sympathy for you. At least Melisandre doesn’t buy into the tainted with evil B.S. At least not yet. Hopefully no leeches will tell her that the child needs to be burned at the stake like her uncle. You never can tell with religious fanatics, though. They can turn on a dime. I almost forgot! We do get to check in very briefly with one storyline I care about: Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) and Hodor (Kristian Nairn) and the gang of characters whose names I can’t remember. Bran is hallucinating like a mofo, wearing his wolf and enjoying some fresh meat while everyone else is starving — well, he’s starving too. It’s a nice touch to think that there are wargs who forget about their bodies and give themselves over to their animal counterparts. It never ends well, but I can see the appeal. I wonder if he could spend time in a dragon’s skin? Eh, that’s a thought for another day, I guess. In the meantime, the gang stumbles across an ancient weirwood — you know, those creepy trees with faces — and Bran is compelled to touch it. Well, who wouldn’t be? As a reward, he is smacked in the brain with a series of visions that probably meant something to people who’ve read the books, but to me it was all wait, wha? After a quick internet search, it looks like what we’ve got are images of a freaky tree, our old friend the three-eyed raven, Papa Ned (Sean Bean) cleaning his sword, then the freaky tree turns out to have a face that orders Bran to look for him — yikes! — followed by a shit ton of ravens. Then we get an undead horse, a shot of snow on the Iron Throne (eeenteresting!), Bran falling from the window and the shadow of a dragon over Westeros (maybe he can wear a dragon!), and then back to the freaky tree telling Bran where to go. Wow. That’s a lot to digest. Maybe I should read the books, too? Argh! Decisions, decisions! I really would have hated to have had what happened next spoiled for me; especially as it was finally getting us back to the stories I have a vested interest in. And after a quick internet search I’ve discovered that this was called “The Purple Wedding” which is kind of lame. “The Red Wedding” is something special. Purple, not so much. Although we did get to see what it was like when doves cry, er, fly. You know, from a cake. I don’t know who wants to eat a cake that had birds shitting in it for who knows how long, but when in Westeros… But wait! If you thought I was doling out episode spoilers before, then hold onto your hat! Here’s a biggie! Westeros has a dwarf theater troupe! And they do weddings! Seriously, though. Someone poisoned Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) just moments after I was considering climbing into the TV and offing the little prick myself. We should all raise a glass to his memory, though. Gleeson did an outstanding job making every single viewer on the planet seriously contemplate regicide. And poor Tyrion. As luck would have it, Joffrey breathed his last tortured breath just after humiliating him in front of the entire wedding, so naturally when the worst sister in the world (Lena Headey) runs to her little inbred bastard, she calls him out as the murderer. The poor guy can’t get a break. I mean, it was obviously Dame Emma Peel (Diana Rigg). After her little remark about what kind of a monster murders a man at his wedding, I just thought she was sincerely sorry about what happened to Robb, but as soon as Joffrey went to the mat, it was clear. She’s just the kind of monster to get something like that done. A glorious monster that I love with all my heart. And if I’m wrong, then we can hash it out next time. P.S. Whoever shouted out Stormbringer when Joffrey asked what he should name his new sword is my hero and deserves a raise. P.P.S. When is HBO going to launch an Elric series? Please tell me someone is working on that. Game of Thrones 4.02 "The Lion and the Rose"4.5Overall ScoreShare this:TweetShare on TumblrLike this:Like Loading... Related Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.