HALEY: Hello? CINEMA: Haley? HALEY: Uh, yeah. Is this Cinema? CINEMA: Yeah, it’s me. How have you been? HALEY: Um, okay. Not bad at all. I got your email, but . . . um, yeah. CINEMA: You don’t remember going out with me at all, do you? HALEY: Heh-heh-heh. No, I’m afraid I don’t. I’m sorry. CINEMA: Well, let me help you out a little bit. (singing) I’ve . . . had the time of my life . . . HALEY: We saw DIRTY DANCING together? CINEMA: Uh, yeah. It was senior year and . . . I finally worked up enough courage . . . you know, to walk right up and . . . well, I asked you out. HALEY: What did I say? CINEMA: Well . . . you said yes, which really surprised me. I figured it had to be some kind of joke. You were fairly popular at the time. I mean, not super popular, but more so than I . . . I mean, than me. Than I was. I kind of figured that some of your football player friends might show up at the theater and . . . well, they didn’t. Surprisingly. But . . . so you really don’t remember the movie at all? HALEY: Oh, I remember the movie. I love that movie. CINEMA: Oh, you do? HALEY: Oh yeah, it’s one of my all-time favorites. I must’ve seen it, oh, at least ten times in the theater. CINEMA: Ten times, huh? HALEY: At least. CINEMA: And you don’t remember going to see it with anyone? HALEY: Sure I do. I saw it with Billy McKenzie. Then I saw it with Charlie Spencer. And with Brian Murphy. Then I saw it with Bobby Leroy, who brought his little cousin with him. I saw it with Billy again, two more times. And I saw it with . . . David something. CINEMA: But you don’t remember me at all? HALEY: Did you go by a different name back then? CINEMA: No. This has always pretty much been my name – HALEY: Did you have a lot of acne? CINEMA: Not a lot, no. Well, no more than usual, I guess. Everyone called me Cinema because, well, I’m pretty crazy about movies. I always have been. HALEY: So you must have really loved DIRTY DANCING. CINEMA: Well, not really. I’m really more partial to foreign films, sometimes the indies, and horror. I love horror movies. But DIRTY DANCING . . . not so much. HALEY: So why did you go see it? CINEMA: Because of you. It was the only movie you wanted to see . . . which, apparently, I need not have bothered, since you’d already seen it about a hundred times – HALEY: No, wait. I remember you. CINEMA: You do? HALEY: Oh, gawd. You were that kid that was totally making fun of the movie. I remember now. You were using all of those big college words. It was like you thought you were above it or something. CINEMA: Um . . . yeah, that might’ve been me. HALEY: Wow. Jeez, and I totally went out with you on a bet! CINEMA: A bet? HALEY: Oh, it was obvious that you liked me. You were always kinda lurking around. CINEMA: I don’t know if I would use the word lurking . . . HALEY: One of my friends said, “I’ll betcha he asks you out.” It was Billy. He said, “If he asks you out, and you actually take him up on it, I’ll take you to see DIRTY DANCING two more times . . .” CINEMA: A bet. HALEY: Yeah, sorry. CINEMA: I guess that explains it. HALEY: The thing was, here I thought you’d be grateful, you know, just to be sitting there with me. I mean, I was pretty hot stuff back then. And you . . . well, you were just this movie geek. No offense. CINEMA: None taken. HALEY: So I figured, hey, why not? Make this guy’s day. Shoot, probably his whole high school career. And I’d get to see my favorite movie a few more times. CINEMA: That makes sense. HALEY: I know, right. But then you . . . well, you kinda messed me up. CINEMA: Haley? HALEY: Yeah . . . CINEMA: DIRTY DANCING still sucks. SUNSHINE: Is this Popcorn? POPCORN: Wassup, Sunshine! SUNSHINE: Just groovin’, baby. How’s things? POPCORN: Things are swingin’. Guess you got my email. SUNSHINE: Yeah, baby. POPCORN: I got, like, this regular column. Riffin’ on movies and stuff with my buddy. Yeah, we’re blowin’ up like Nagasaki. Limos. Red carpets. Chicks hangin’ on us like cheap suits. You know how it is. SUNSHINE: (sound of inhaling) Oh yeeeeeah. POPCORN: So we had this idea. Callin’ up all these chicks we went to movies with. You know, seeing what they had to say – SUNSHINE: Yeah, yeah, I can dig it. POPCORN: – you know, like, about the movies. What it was like going out with us before we were famous. That kinda thing. SUNSHINE: Oh yeah, baby. POPCORN: Still remember you back in the day. You were, like, hippie-chick all the way. SUNSHINE: Yeeeeah. POPCORN: Flowers in your hair, everything. It was, like, ’87. . . but not for you. Damn, girl, you never had any shoes on. SUNSHINE: Still don’t, baby. Shoes were just an invention of the Man. Can you dig it? POPCORN: Diggin’ it like a shovel, dude. SUNSHINE: Yeah, baby. Wowwww. POPCORN: Yeah, so what you remember? SUNSHINE: Not much, baby, not much. Heh-heh-heh. POPCORN: So you, like, don’t know what movie we saw? SUNSHINE: (sound of inhaling) Nope. POPCORN: . . . and you probably don’t remember us goin’ out. SUNSHINE: Naw, baby. POPCORN: Me neither. SUNSHINE: Heh-heh. POPCORN: Heh-heh-heh. SUNSHINE: Wow, baby. POPCORN: Dude. CINEMA: Tiffany? TIFFANY: Omigod, it’s been so long. How are you? CINEMA: Not bad. So you must have gotten my email. Even more surprising, you remembered me. TIFFANY: How could I forget? So you’re a big-time successful writer now, huh? CINEMA: Um, yeah. That’s my story anyway. TIFFANY: Ha. Well, I’ve gotta say, I know we went to a movie, but I’m having a hard time remembering what it was. We were only together for, what, maybe two months? CINEMA: It was more like five, but that’s pretty close. So how’s your daughter? She’s got to be in her twenties now. That’s . . . inconceivable. TIFFANY: I know, right. She got married a couple years ago now. Actually, she’s expecting a baby of her own any time now. Can you believe it, I’m going to be a grandma. CINEMA: Wow. TIFFANY: You know, I’ve thought about you from time to time. CINEMA: You have? TIFFANY: Well, you did ask me to marry you. It’s kinda hard to forget something like that. CINEMA: It just seemed like the right thing to do. TIFFANY: That’s so sweet, but she was never your responsibility. I was already pregnant when you met me. CINEMA: I know, but . . . so you don’t remember the movie at all then? TIFFANY: No, not at all. CINEMA: Here, how about this . . . “There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.” TIFFANY: Afraid I’m still drawing a blank. CINEMA: It was THE PRINCESS BRIDE. TIFFANY: No way. CINEMA: The movie opens with a grandfather reading this story to his sick grandson, all these years later. But it’s really all about a humble farmhand, Westley, who must rescue his true love from a dastardly prince . . . TIFFANY: Oh yeah. CINEMA: At the time it was the most romantic thing I’d ever seen. TIFFANY: I remember it being really funny. CINEMA: Yeah, it was probably that too. But we were sitting there in that darkened theater, your hand was in mine. You were staring ahead at the screen and it was lighting up your face. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen at the time. TIFFANY: Aw. CINEMA: I was thinking, here I was, just this kid with nothing going on, while you had all of this scary stuff ahead of you. To be honest, that movie was probably the reason I decided to . . . well, I was really young then. TIFFANY: We all were. CINEMA: Huh. So, what have you been up to for the last twenty-some years? TIFFANY: Well, I married the dastardly prince. CINEMA: Really? TIFFANY: Yeah, he came back. What could I do? CINEMA: Yeah. TIFFANY: You wanna know what’s really funny? That movie, it’s always been her favorite. My daughter, I mean. CINEMA: No way. TIFFANY: Yeah, they ended up seeing it on their first date, and . . . well, it just kinda became a thing. She’s going to watch it with her own daughter someday. You know, I told her about you once, when she was really little. CINEMA: Yeah? TIFFANY: Well, you could’ve been her daddy. CINEMA: Could’ve been. TIFFANY: You should friend me on Facebook. I’m always putting pictures of her up there. CINEMA: Yeah, maybe I will. TIFFANY: I’m serious, do it. CINEMA: As you wish. LISA: Hello? POPCORN: Hey, it’s Popcorn. Do you remember me? LISA: (screams) Click. POPCORN: I guess she remembers me. KIM: Good morning and God bless. POPCORN: Uh . . . is this Kim? KIM: Sure thing, darlin’. I’ve been waiting for your call. POPCORN: Really? KIM: Sure as sugar. I don’t do this very often, but, after you got ahold of me last time, I took the bus downtown to the library and used their services. I had to read some of those things with you and that other fellow. You know, your movie reviews and such. POPCORN: Sweet. What’d you think? KIM: Well, it’s different, that’s for sure. You guys sure do know some things about movies, especially that Cinema. POPCORN: Yeah, he’s alright. KIM: I’ll be honest, I had a few problems with the language. POPCORN: Yeah, that dude knows some big words. Had to get me a dictionary. KIM: Mercy be, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about all the profanity. POPCORN: The profanity . . . KIM: Oh yeah, all those curse words. Lord knows, I shouldn’t be surprised by anything these days, but sometimes it just sneaks right up on me. POPCORN: Uh . . . not sure I got the right number. Me and Cinema, we’re kinda doin’ this thing on chicks we went to movies with. There was this bad-ass little Southern girl I . . . I mean, this cool chick with a bangin’ ass . . . um, with a great, uh, outlook on life, that I took to see, um . . . KIM: Oh yeah, that was me. POPCORN: With the ripped-up skirt and the boots? Three miles of leg, about thirty-two hands? Naw, dude, no way. KIM: Oh yeah, sugar. That was me. POPCORN: We saw – KIM: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST? POPCORN: Yeah, dude. Sat way in the back and – KIM: Made out like gangbusters through the whole movie? POPCORN: Uh-huh. Least ’til the end. KIM: When they crucified Jesus, and I just started bawlin’ like a baby. POPCORN: Dude. KIM: Yeah. POPCORN: What the hell. I mean . . . heck. I mean, you’re not, like, a nun or some shit now, are you? KIM: No, darlin’. But I did find my way to Jesus. As a matter of fact, I always had a mind to track you down. POPCORN: Uh . . . why? KIM: I wanted to thank you. I was headed right down the wrong road, on a collision course with the Devil. Sugar, you were gonna be my first man, right there in that movie theater. POPCORN: In the . . . for real? KIM: Oh yeah, honey. I had my mind all made up before you even knocked on my mama’s front door. You were gonna get it good that day, three ways from Sunday and a couple more for the week after. POPCORN: That’s, like, five ways. KIM: Probably a few more, too. I was a randy little girl, just itchin’ for a man – POPCORN: Gulp. KIM: – like a kitty on a scratching post. But the Lord moves in mysterious ways. POPCORN: He does? Where’d he go? KIM: He leaped right into my heart, darlin’. Probably the moment you handed that money over to the ticket-taker. I was still gonna give it to you, but then . . . POPCORN: Then? KIM: Well, thanks to you, I saw the Lord’s own temptation . . . right up there on the screen. And I just knew that I wouldn’t be giving myself away. POPCORN: Oh, thank God. CINEMA: Hey. LIZ: Hey. CINEMA: So you read the email. LIZ: Yeah, I did. Still doing your column then. CINEMA: Yeah. LIZ: Well, I can think of a lotta movies. We were together for a long time. CINEMA: Any that stand out more than the others? LIZ: Well . . . there was KING RALPH. I think that was the first one. CINEMA: Oh, wow, I forgot about that one. LIZ: Spotted dick. CINEMA: Ha! Spotted dick, yeah. And the bit about fox-hunting . . . LIZ: “You must have collected several tails.” CINEMA: And “there’s no problem that can’t be ignored if we really put our minds to it.” LIZ: That was the story of our lives. CINEMA: Yeah. LIZ: Or there was I LOVE YOU TO DEATH. CINEMA: Man, that was funny. LIZ: “When somebody shoot you in the head, it make you think.” CINEMA: “I’m a man, I got a lot of hormones in my body.” LIZ: Downright prophetic. CINEMA: Yeah. LIZ: Didn’t you watch BARBARELLA the night before the wedding? CINEMA: Yeah, me and Popcorn. But that one doesn’t count for you and me. LIZ: How about TITANIC? CINEMA: Yup, we saw that. LIZ: Saw it right around New Year’s Eve, just before you ran away with that girl. CINEMA: Well, that’s not exactly how it went. But sure. LIZ: Maybe not exactly. CINEMA: I came back. So, um, what other movies did we . . . LIZ: I think we saw PHANTOM MENACE together. I’m pretty sure we made it that far. CINEMA: Yeah, we did. Despite all the ruckus later, we both laughed really hard at Jar Jar, and so did everyone else in that theater. LIZ: Well, you know, critics. CINEMA: Yeah, what do they know? LIZ: Oh, we saw THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. I remember you making such a big deal over that movie before it came out. You had found some kind of website or something . . . CINEMA: That website was awesome. Scary as hell, and they were still playing everything off like it was real. Do you remember me with the video camera that Christmas – LIZ: Oh God, you wouldn’t put that damn thing down! What was it that you filmed . . . CINEMA: I called it A BLAIR WITCH CHRISTMAS. I got this really great shot, just like the one in the movie, when Heather is the only one left. While filming my own monologue, I managed to ring some sleigh bells off-screen and – LIZ: That was our last movie together. CINEMA: Yeah. Yeah, it was. LIZ: I was pregnant then. CINEMA: Yeah, I guess you would’ve been. LIZ: Huh. Well, are we done? CINEMA: I think we’ve been done for a while. LIZ: Ha. Yeah, I think you’re right. Well, have fun with your writing thing. CINEMA: Oh yeah. LIZ: There is one more call you should make, you know. POPCORN: Hey Sunshine. SUNSHINE: Hey baby. POPCORN: What’s up? SUNSHINE: Groovin’. POPCORN: Just thinkin’, you know. Since we couldn’t remember that movie. SUNSHINE: Yeah. POPCORN: Maybe we oughta go check one out. SUNSHINE: Yeah, baby. That’d be groovy. POPCORN: I could head over there right now. SUNSHINE: Cool, baby. POPCORN: Cool. SUNSHINE: Hey, who is this anyway? EMILY: Hello? CINEMA: Hey, how’s my favorite girl? EMILY: Daddy!! CINEMA: Hey sweetheart. I was wondering if you wanted to talk about movies for a while. EMILY: Hey Daddy, I heard about this awesome movie called DIRTY DANCING. Could we see it sometime? CINEMA: Nooooooooo . . . Share this:TweetShare on TumblrLike this:Like Loading... Related Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.