Rafael Gaitan: So, the best part of this episode of True Blood: the teaser at the end reminding us we only have three episodes left. Danny Djeljosevic: That can’t be true. That’s so few episodes! That almost makes me happy. Rafael: But sweet merciful crap, this episode was kinda a return to piss-poor form. Danny: Yeah, it was a totally representative episode of True Blood. It was not good, but it had its moments. Rafael: I will say, we did not expect them to top or even equal last week’s. But I’m prepared to admit that this episode did wrap up a lot of stupid crap. Making way for an orgy of blood. True blood. So let’s start from the top — post Cool Jacket Club fighting, we meet up with Marnie and her goon squad, having accrued a new weapon: the re-re-posessed Eric Northman. Can I just say HOLY FUCK I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT MARNIE? That character is straight ass-crack, bruh. Especially when she’s super vamping (pun intended). “My name is… Antonia!” Ass-crack, bruh. I’d rather have Antonio Scarpacci from Wings. Danny: That scene showed us the value of variables. When we saw Eric in the scene, it was really interesting. But when Marnie put him away in the closet, the scene became 100% less interesting. Rafael: Literally the second Eric goes into the closet (sorry, 10% of y’all,) it immediately becomes another chapter of The Craft: The Internet Flash Episode. Danny: I wish I were watching The Craft. That movie is sexy. Rafael: Yeah, I don’t know which orifice I wanted to stuff myself into: Fairuza Balk or Fairuza Balk’s teeth. Once again, we get to see Cookie in a dream sequence, and these bassholes keep cutting in and out! Danny: They cut away from the dream sequence and returned to it later like it was a legit subplot. That makes no sense to me. Rafael: Though we get to see Bill Condom and Eric be catty to one another, and eventually both of them decide to bury themselves in Cookie at the same time. While I mostly can do without the gratuitous sex, God bless the inventors of red underwear. Danny: I think I had too much wine, because I suddenly remembered that Cookie got shot, but did not see her get healed. What’s up with that, Raf? Rafael:You know, I was watching, and I presume that someone fed her some vampire blood. The dream had to be a result of the hallucination, like when she and Eric were boning. …and now I know I’ve watched too muchTrue Blood, or TV in general. But yes, she suddenly wakes up, fully clothed, and then whatthefuckever. Danny: That dream sequence was such a waste of time. All that soft focus surreality just screamed HEY THIS IS A DREAM, making it really hard to care. Rafael: Seriously, it could have been excised with little to no repercussion. It feels like Alan Ball and crew literally had no way to get the three into the same room until the end, so they said, “Fuck it, we’ll do it in a dream.” But pretty much bookending that was the best/worst sequence — our boy Lafayette on his Beloved shit, trapping himself in Hoyt’s house with Andy’s gun. Yep. Danny: The being possessing Lafayette bursts into Hoyt’s house with Terry and Arleen’s baby, claiming it’s her house. Hoyt then gets the fuck out of there. Sans pants. Rafael: This scene literally kept balancing itself out: for every scene of Lafayette doing his shit or Boyfriend confronting him with magic, there was Terry and Andy fighting over who would go in, and Jason Crackhouse being forced to take command. At least they finally finished this boring storyline with an awesome exorcism. Danny: Oh man, that glowing yellow being exiting LaFayette’s body was the apex of cheese. I felt my cholesterol rising. Rafael: It was well-earned, though. This show is constantly pulling the bait-and-switch. It thinks it’s Commander’s Palace, when we just want some fucking Popeye’s, y’all. Danny: Either way, this is salty and greasy. And goes great with ketchup. Rafael: Well done. But thank goodness that’s done with. But you know what comes to the forefront this time? Those goddamn were-people! Danny: So much Skullet. Rafael: Man, they need to stop forcing Italian Lumberjack and Skullet and ’em down our throats. Though when Sam’s brother pretends to be Sam (because… why?) and they shit the living kick out of him, that was some gratifying violencia. Danny: He wanted Were-folk to beat him up? I really don’t understand why he did it. Rafael: That’s what I’m saying! He sees the card that Skullet leaves, morphs in and flaps his gums, and then gets whooped. Some odd form of penance to Sam? I watched this episode sober and I don’t understand why this is there. Danny: At least somebody hits him, right? Rafael: But yes, so what haven’t we covered. Terry and Arlene and the baby… Bill Condom and Cookie… Oh, the climax! Not Cookie’s, or Bill’s… or Eric’s… So we have the Cool Jackets Club deciding to raid the Tolerance Festival, while Bill Condom decides to preach safe sects by attending. Danny: And then… more vampires come and fuck everybody’s shit up. Technically speaking. Well, they just kill some guards and everyone freaks out. Rafael: I will say, I do enjoy a good abrupt ending, so as the shit starts and Cookie yells “Run!” I might even say I was interested in saying I want to know what happens. Danny: I don’t expect to be satisfied when they come back to that next episode. Share this:TweetShare on TumblrLike this:Like Loading... Related Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.