Unnatural Selections: Shark Exorcist (2015)

Welcome new and returning readers to the first annual Sharksmas month. A month I will devote to two or three films of the sharky persuasion. Because nothing says Christmas like bizarre shark films. I kind of wish I had thought of Sharksmas before I did Two Headed Shark Attack but that’s hindsight for you.

I was actually excited about Shark Exorcist and would have reviewed it at some point even if it wasn’t requested. I have heard some crazy titles since I began writing this column; Atomic Shark, Zombie Sharks, Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (I did not make that one up, though I wish I had thought of it) None of them really tickle the imagination like Shark Exorcist though. Would it be about a demonic shark that is hunted by an ordained fisherman? Would it be about a person possessed by a demon shark? Well apparently the writers didn’t know what this was about either.

A nun kills a girl in bright daylight and in full view of active traffic to summon a demon. And that is the only time the movie will seem coherent in the least. I almost feel bad for dissing this because it feels damaged. Someone hit this movie repeatedly in the head as a child. So the movie moves forward one year with three girls who obviously couldn’t remember their lines and were reading them off their phones. They have names but I only remember Ali because she’s the main girl. She goes into the water with all the enthusiasm of a virgin sacrifice and gets “attacked” by the demon shark. And by that I mean it literally looks like some ketchup got spilled on her leg. Oh, and despite both friends reacting to her being in distress and running to the shore only one gets there. The other was apparently raptured on the way.

Then there’s some footage inside a hospital that someone recorded on the sly using a completely different camera with some terrible ADR. Because a movie that is less than ninety minutes needed padding. Lots and lots of padding. Then we come to the psychic subplot. Some would say the most important subplot, if they were being sarcastic. The psychic has a camera man because she has some kind of paranormal investigation show. This is important because she turns and talks directly into the film camera twice. Like maybe this was supposed to be a comedy but minus the funny parts. And the psychic channels the demon shark at the lake even though it is presumably possessing Ali.

Than Ali hitches her way back to the lake. Because she has a connection to the lake? Nah. They just didn’t have too many sets to use. Get this, as she and some kill fodder are in the lake you can hear some lady yelling at her kid. They try to cover it with music but fail hilariously.

Then there’s a scene in a pool with someone I assume is playing a special needs woman and tries to be titillating. Stay classy Shark Exorcist. Ali’s shadow in the pool seems to form a shark at times which would be a really cool effect if I believed it was intentional. And then Ali wakes up. Because padding.

And then the psychics come back and channel and the shark, and then the psychic gets possessed. Because there’s more than one shark demon? Or because who knows? Probably that one. And possessed psychic pukes on a girl (because Exorcist) while holding her hair back. Because a demon-shark possessed person would care about getting puke in their hair. I think… I think I owe Zoombies an apology letter now.

Then there’s over a minute of some guy we have never seen jogging. Just to find the body of a girl I forgot had died. And then we get even more fodder. Look, horror movies need a body count but this movie is 90% extras. You need some main characters to follow. Than about halfway through the movie Father Michael comes back. I think he’s supposed to be the main guy. Or he’s the new main since the psychic is gone forever. And somehow he knows the shark is a demon. How does he know? You’re overthinking this that’s how!

And then there’s a scene with the “main” characters at a carnival. They have zero dialogue until the end because this wasn’t written in the script. Or because they couldn’t filter out the sounds of the carnival. Because the characters do talk. They’re just muted while stock music plays. If you said this was just padding you are correct.

Than Father Michael takes the demon into himself. So then he’s going to be the killer, yeah? No. Because the demon shark plunges from the sky and presumably kills them both. Why would the demon shark attack someone possessed by the demon shark? Are their multiple demon sharks? You tell me. I’ve seen this twice now and I’m still as lost as ever.

Alright, odd ending but at least– holy shark fucks it’s still going. There is a long, drawn out scene of some guy stalking some lady we have never seen before and taking pictures of her as she sunbathes. Say it with me now children P-A-D-D-I-N-G. And this lady has the worst scream I have ever heard. She sounds hoarse or congested. I feel kinda bad for her because if her throat wasn’t wrecked before it sure was after.

And the nun kills her. Kay. And another girl presumably possessed comes out of the lake. Kay. And she kills the nun. Kay. Well that was an unorthodox ending but at least– GODDAMMIT IT’S STILL GOING. Then we see the two from the start, because this movie needed a bookend I guess. And one of the girls is possessed, but knows she’s possessed, because that’s not what happened to Ali and she jumps in the water and the other girl is killed by the demon shark. The end.

But hold on there, bucko. There’s a post credit scene that lasts nearly eight minutes. Does it explain anything? Does it set up a sequel? Nope. You know what it does? It pads the fucking movie. Then there’s another minute of credits. But okay, we survived this. It can’t hurt us anymore– except there is a second end credit scene. With the psychic puking into her fingers and rubbing it on her face. Because we needed that.

This movie is an insult to shitty shark films. It exists solely to make other movies look good and to appeal to vomit fetishists. Oh yeah I didn’t even tell you all the other times someone puked. Who goes into a sharksploitation movie looking for scene of regurgitation?

There are so many fades to black in this I half expected commercials to start. Scenes are somehow either too short or too damn long. The cast is a rotating line of new people that we neither get to know or have any reason to be interested in. The kills are so tame they could show this on SyFy without cutting anything out. The acting is Birdemic the porno on thorazine. The rules for the shark make no sense. Sometimes Ali did the kill, sometimes it was the shark. Sometimes it had to be in the water and sometimes it happened on land. There is nothing for anyone to enjoy here. No memorable lines, no fun kills, no nudity. It has zero self-awareness and takes itself dead serious while having scenes that would only fit in a parody of the genre.

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