Alex Wolfe" />
Psycho Drive-In logo
Search
  • PDI Press
    Featured
    • BETTY WHITE VS THE STUPID WORLD: The Movie

      Alex Wolfe
      January 17, 2022
      Fiction, PDI Press, PDI Press Writers
    Recent
    • BETTY WHITE VS THE STUPID WORLD: The Movie

      John E. Meredith
      January 17, 2022
    • Betty White Vs the Stupid World (Chapter Seven)

      John E. Meredith
      January 16, 2022
    • Betty White Vs the Stupid World (Chapter Six)

      John E. Meredith
      January 15, 2022
    • PDI Press Catalog
    • PDI Press Writers
      • Fiction
  • Columns A-D
    • A Fistful of Dollar Comics
    • ABCs of Horror
    • All Binge… No Purge
    • Anything Joes
    • Beautiful Creatures
    • Big Eyes Smart Mouth
    • Big Sleeps and Long Goodbyes
    • Cahiers du Horror
    • Dispatches From the Field
    • Drive-In Saturday
    • Dungeons & D-Listers
  • Columns F-P
    • The Final Girl
    • First Looks… Second Thoughts
    • The Flesh is Weak
    • Innocence and Experience
    • Lost in Translation
    • Page to Screen
    • Popcorn Cinema
    • Psycho Essentials: The ’80s!
  • Columns S-Z
    • Schlock & Awe
    • Shakespeare on Film
    • Shot for Shot
    • Sick Flix
    • Unnatural Selections
    • Versus
    • Video Word Made Flesh
    • We Got Lists
    • Women in Horror
    • The Xeno File
    • Zombies 101
  • Reviews
    Featured
    • X (2022)

      Alex Wolfe
      April 22, 2022
      Movies, Reviews
    Recent
    • X (2022)

      Nate Zoebl
      April 22, 2022
    • Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

      Nate Zoebl
      April 15, 2022
    • The Adam Project (2022)

      Nate Zoebl
      March 16, 2022
    • Books
    • Comics
    • DVD/Blu-ray
    • Movies
    • TV
    • Series
  • Interviews
    Featured
    • Interview with Indie Horror Master, Chris Bickel

      Alex Wolfe
      July 13, 2018
      Interviews
    Recent
    • Interview with Indie Horror Master, Chris Bickel

      The Final Girl
      July 13, 2018
    • David Black: Carnies, Carnage, and the Creative Chaos of Darkness Visible

      Dan Lee
      March 7, 2017
    • Jaiden Kaine joins the Marvel Universe as new Luke Cage baddie, Zip

      Andre Lamar
      September 29, 2016
    • SDCC 2016 Interviews: The Cast and Creators of Batman: The Killing Joke

      Jason Sacks
      July 28, 2016
    • SDCC 2016 Interviews: The Cast and Creators of Syfy’s Van Helsing

      Dave Hearn, Paul Brian McCoy
      July 27, 2016
    • Wondercon Interview: The Cast of Damien

      Gary Richardson, Laura Akers
      April 16, 2016
  • News
    Featured
    • John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum arrives on Digital 8/23 and 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray, DVD and On Demand 9/10

      Alex Wolfe
      July 30, 2019
      DVD/Blu-ray, News
    Recent
    • John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum arrives on Digital 8/23 and 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray, DVD and On Demand 9/10

      psychodr
      July 30, 2019
    • X-Men: Dark Phoenix arrives on Digital 9/3 and 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray and DVD 9/17

      Paul Brian McCoy
      July 16, 2019
    • Avengers: Endgame arrives on Digital 7/30 and Blu-ray 8/13

      psychodr
      July 16, 2019
    • Trailers
  • Psychos
  • Merchandise
Breaking
  • X (2022)
  • Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)
  • The Adam Project (2022)
  • The Batman (2022)
  • Entropy (2022)
  • Killer Sofa (2019)
  • RSS
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • Tumblr
  • Who We Be
  • Contact
  • PDI Press
    • PDI Press Catalog
    • PDI Press Writers
      • Fiction
  • Columns A-D
    • A Fistful of Dollar Comics
    • ABCs of Horror
    • All Binge… No Purge
    • Anything Joes
    • Beautiful Creatures
    • Big Eyes Smart Mouth
    • Big Sleeps and Long Goodbyes
    • Cahiers du Horror
    • Dispatches From the Field
    • Drive-In Saturday
    • Dungeons & D-Listers
  • Columns F-P
    • The Final Girl
    • First Looks… Second Thoughts
    • The Flesh is Weak
    • Innocence and Experience
    • Lost in Translation
    • Page to Screen
    • Popcorn Cinema
    • Psycho Essentials: The ’80s!
  • Columns S-Z
    • Schlock & Awe
    • Shakespeare on Film
    • Shot for Shot
    • Sick Flix
    • Unnatural Selections
    • Versus
    • Video Word Made Flesh
    • We Got Lists
    • Women in Horror
    • The Xeno File
    • Zombies 101
  • Reviews
    • Books
    • Comics
    • DVD/Blu-ray
    • Movies
    • TV
    • Series
  • Interviews
  • News
    • Trailers
  • Psychos
  • Merchandise
Home
Movies

All Cheerleaders Die (2014)

Alex Wolfe
July 3, 2014
Movies, Reviews

I was never particularly good at math. Not because I couldn’t figure out the formulas, merely because I hated the subject so intensely that I was unwilling to harbor the interest required to truly master it. However, sometimes math is easy. For example:

Theatrical Release + Name like All Cheerleaders Die + ??? = Success!

See? Easy math. As a result of said equation, I was pretty excited to watch this when it came out, expecting a quirky flick with decent effects and a strong enough script that it would actually be considered for theaters, which is usually my favorite kind.

I was either wrong, or overestimating what I wanted the film to be. With that said, let’s take a look at All Cheerleaders Die.

ACD1

This movie has varied strengths and weaknesses of different sorts. Unfortunately, I feel like its weaknesses tend to have a bit more weight to them. Let’s start off with my biggest issue – the pacing.

This has the longest beginning of any movie ever that isn’t just… like, a beginning and nothing else. For a movie called All Cheerleaders Die, for some reason I expected some cheerleaders to die before the forty-minute mark. There is technically a cheerleader who dies right away, but she’s not a developed character and also doesn’t really have anything to do with the plot. The beginning is long and meandering, taking its time introducing characters that you still don’t really get to know until the middle act.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The story opens with the Head Bitch cheerleader (no, they actually call themselves Bitches – the football players are called Dogs), Lexi, whose name I only remember because it’s also my name. In the midst of expressing just how awful she is, she does an acrobatic move and falls, snapping her neck and instantly dying. This happens within about the first five minutes and has no real impact, besides two minor things. 1) There’s an opening on the team, and 2) Her boyfriend is now open for business, and is quickly snatched up by Blondie.

ACD2

Which reminds me. The characters’ names are not really said enough in this to commit to memory, so I’m creating taglines for them.

  • Maddie, the protagonist. The only character whose name I remember.
  • Gothy, who is goth, a witch (like a real one), and has the hots for Maddy.
  • Blondie, who is blonde.
  • Alpha-Sister (or A-Sis), the more domineering of a pair of sisters.
  • Beta-Sister (or B-Sis), the more meek and shy of a pair of sisters.
  • Walking Disaster (or WD), Lexi’s boyfriend and the captain of the football team. So obviously malicious and sociopathic that anyone who does not notice that he’s inches from cold-blooded murder at all times should be chemically blinded since they clearly have no use for their eyes anyway.

Anyway, the first act, as previously mentioned, is considerably too long. It establishes things like who’s going to be getting onto the cheerleading team, the fact that WD cheated on Blondie, the fact that Gothy is mad about Maddie (see what I did? heh), and the fact that Maddie herself is only insinuating herself into this lifestyle out of spite. Doesn’t sound like much to establish in over half an hour, does it? Well, that’s because this beginning section has more dead air, awkward silences, and pointless shots than a documentary about dentistry. It seems to pretend it’s a darker version of Bring It On, but with far less impressive acrobatics and even less of a story.

This first act also introduces us to the most bizarre relationship I’ve seen in a while. After Blondie finds out that WD cheated on her, she enters a very vague, “are they or aren’t they” lesbian relationship with Maddie, which springs up out of nowhere, never gets any development, never gets any closure, and is just about never addressed unless the two decide to make out.

ACD3

Once Walking Disaster finds out about that he isn’t happy about it (no sir, not one bit) and an argument escalates into a car chase (don’t ask) that leads to the four named cheerleaders being run off a cliff and into the water, which kills them all somehow (seriously, not even one of them escaped without a mortal wound? I call shenanigans).

This brings us to… drumroll please… all the cheerleaders dying, and the actual focus of the movie. Gothy manages to resurrect all four of the dead cheerleaders (Maddie, Blondie, A-Sis, and B-Sis) with the magical stones she has and does seemingly all of her magic with, from fortune-telling to zombification. The stones sink themselves into the mortal wounds of the cheerleaders (and for some reason, one of the stones attaches itself to Gothy as well), which brings them back from the dead. Though they don’t exactly… come back right.

ACD4

Alpha-Sister and Beta-Sister switch bodies (for some reason), leading to all sorts of wacky shenanigans, like… um, well, not that many shenanigans really. Mostly just that they like the same guy, only one of them is already his girlfriend, but they’re body-switched so… yeah.

Blondie becomes outright psychotic and bloodthirsty, kinda out of nowhere. She always seemed perhaps a bit unstable, but after returning from the dead she goes full-ditz and is totally homicidal from the get-go. This is never addressed in any capacity.

Maddie is actually fine, but of course she is, she’s the protagonist.

The second act, while confusing in how it relates to the first act, is a lot tidier and better put-together. The girls have to go to school, which is obviously made awkward because they’re zombie/vampire things, and made even more awkward by the fact that they’re confronted with the football team (“Dogs,” remember) who are certain that they killed the girls dead. And, naturally, the girls need blood to survive.

Special mention to the way they feed should actually be made, as it’s one of the cooler parts. The girls don’t just bite/kill/drink, getting the blood all over themselves and being in dire need of clean-up. The stones inside of them kind of… absorb blood, an entire body’s worth, so not a drop is wasted and it can also be drained out telekinetically in little tendril-thingies. This is both creative and visually satisfying, leaving their victims desiccated corpses.

Uuuunfortunately, due to the intro that more than outstayed its welcome, the middle of the flick is far shorter than it could have been. They spend only a single day in school, get up to some mischief, and then the film immediately launches itself into the finale – a few of the Dogs get killed, and then Walking Disaster, naturally, comes to the conclusion that they’re superhuman undead creatures and reacts accordingly, which involves doing really serial-killer-y things like tinkering with piles and piles of bear traps (nobody’s had this guy committed yet?).

ACD5

By this time the relationship between Maddie and Blondie has totally dissolved without mention, like two different scripts were merged. Once Blondie becomes undead she’s only interested in killing people and acting like a nutcase, and when the girls find out that Maddie never really liked any of them to begin with, the finale is kicked off by all of the zombie girls running off in different directions. Walking Disaster (somehow) totally knows how the girls tick, and he captures the two sisters, rips out the stones that keep them alive, and then eats them (!).

Seriously, what is with this guy?! Okay, he’s unhinged/violent/crazy but when does one draw the line? Not at devouring glowing, blood-caked, magical jewels to absorb their power?

Anyway, the more stones he eats (Blondie goes soon after, captured in a huge pit filled with bear traps (!), so that’s three down) the more power he gains. While this is not really explained or even mused over, we do get a cool voice effect as his voice multiplies itself by as many stones as he’s consumed, giving him a cool “we are Legion” kinda vibe. This is one of my favorite bits actually – despite how randomly awful he is, and despite coming off as a weird teenage version of The Punisher, he’s a pretty imposing villain. But, since the damn intro was so long and since the middle act was desperate to even exist with such a lull in the storyline, the ending is way shorter than it could have been or needed to be. He’s brought down by Gothy and the rest of her magic stones before he has a chance to do much of anything (the three deaths happen in pretty quick succession). So, in addition to a tedious beginning and rushed middle, we also get a rushed ending. After being saved by Gothy, Maddie apparently gives into forbidden longing and Gothy’s unrequited love gets a bit more requited, so the two can now live happily ever after. Of course, there’s also a surprise scare ending that reveals that this is only “Part 1,” so who the hell knows where they’re actually going with this or if Part 2 will ever even be made.

So, while there are so many oddly-handled subplots that it’s hard to keep a review properly organized, that was All Cheerleaders Die. The story was rushed and awkward, several plot-points were abandoned partway through, the acting is barely passable, it has almost no nudity, it has long sequences of dead space that could have easily been filled up with more dialogue and action, particularly in the finale, and overall was… kind of disappointing. So, am I being too hard on it, or is it just not that good? I’d say it’s a little of both. From an analytical stand-point it was certainly flawed, but if I had been expecting less of it I think I would have enjoyed it anyway. It’s not without its charm, anyway. Just far from perfect.

(Visited 86 times, 1 visits today)
All Cheerleaders Die (2014)
3.0Overall Score

Share this:

  • Tweet
  • Share on Tumblr

Like this:

Like Loading...

Related

Alex WolfeAll Cheerleaders DieCaitlin StaseyChris SiverstonLucky McKee

Adventure Time 6.09 “The Prince Who Wanted Everything”
Dominion 1.02 “Godspeed”

About The Author

monsterid
Alex Wolfe
Dragon Lady

Alex is a borderline-hermetic, overopinionated, Chaotic Neutral critic, author, gamer, and overall dweeb. When not mocking others of lesser fandoms, she is creating wildly-overthought character builds for Dungeons and Dragons, listening to punk rock, or trying to come up with the next great American novel (which inevitably fails on account of her attention span). She's a big fan of using parentheses and dashes way more than any self-respecting writer should, and firmly believes that character development and strength are far more important than actual narrative, storyline, or atmosphere. In the coming years, science will prove this theory to be indisputably correct. She has a Tumblr page, but don't expect to find anything of worth on there besides pictures of kittens and backsides. She also has an infrequently-updated blog.

Daily Top Ten

  • Women in Horror: Patty MullenWomen in Horror: Patty Mullen by Fred L. Taulbee Jr.
  • Fist of the North Star (1986)Fist of the North Star (1986) by Matthew Fantaci
  • 31 Days of Halloween: Day 20 – The Purge31 Days of Halloween: Day 20 – The Purge by Paul Brian McCoy
  • Adventure Time 6.06 “Breezy”Adventure Time 6.06 “Breezy” by Dave Hearn
  • Dungeons & D-Listers: Curse of the Dragon Slayer (2013)Dungeons & D-Listers: Curse of the Dragon Slayer (2013) by Alex Wolfe
  • Tusk (2014)Tusk (2014) by Alex Wolfe
  • Dungeons & D-Listers: Deathstalker (1983)Dungeons & D-Listers: Deathstalker (1983) by Alex Wolfe
  • It Follows (2015)It Follows (2015) by Keith Silva
  • Lost in Translation 161: Star Trek Role-Playing GamesLost in Translation 161: Star Trek Role-Playing Games by Scott Delahunt
  • Things Once Seen: Jason BourneThings Once Seen: Jason Bourne by Joshua Mattern
400x400 GI Joe Funko Banner

Weekly Top Ten

  • Page to Screen: The Boys Season OnePage to Screen: The Boys Season One by Paul Brian McCoy
  • Drive-In Saturday: Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)Drive-In Saturday: Heavy Metal 2000 (2000) by Alex Wolfe
  • Advance Review: The Legend of Tarzan (2016) Blu-rayAdvance Review: The Legend of Tarzan (2016) Blu-ray by Paul Brian McCoy
  • Big Eyes Smart Mouth: Porco RossoBig Eyes Smart Mouth: Porco Rosso by Serdar Yegulalp
  • Sick Flix: Guinea Pig 6 – Mermaid in a Manhole (1988)Sick Flix: Guinea Pig 6 – Mermaid in a Manhole (1988) by Corin Totin
  • Adventure Time 6.06 “Breezy”Adventure Time 6.06 “Breezy” by Dave Hearn
  • House of Wax (2005)House of Wax (2005) by The Final Girl
  • Women in Horror: They Call Her One-Eye, or Thriller: A Cruel PictureWomen in Horror: They Call Her One-Eye, or Thriller:… by John E. Meredith
  • The Hills Have Eyes (1977) vs The Hills Have Eyes (2006)The Hills Have Eyes (1977) vs The Hills Have Eyes (2006) by Corin Totin
  • Advance Review: Russian Yeti – The Killer LivesAdvance Review: Russian Yeti – The Killer Lives by Paul Brian McCoy
400x400 UA Affiliate Banner

FACEBOOK

FACEBOOK

Latest Reviews

  • X (2022)

    Nate Zoebl
    April 22, 2022
  • Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

    Nate Zoebl
    April 15, 2022
  • The Adam Project (2022)

    Nate Zoebl
    March 16, 2022

psychodrivein

Today at https://psychodrivein.com Anything Joes: Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Anything Joes: S01E38 - Greg And Joel's Favorite Modern Figures, Part 1

Greg & Joel (@OrderOfBattlePod) break down their favorite modern figures from the first half of the line. 
---
Listen to the guys at the link in our profile!

#AnythingJoes #OrderOfBattle @AnythingJoesPod #GIJoe #Habro
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Lost in Transl Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Lost in Translation 415: Remaking Gilligan's Island

Gilligan’s Island was escapism comedy, with everyday and weird science devices made from bamboo and coconuts. 
---
Read more of Scott's article at the link in our profile!

#GilligansIsland #LostInTranslation #BobDenver #AlanHaleJr #JimBackus #NatalieSchafer #TinaLouise #DawnWells #RussellJohnson
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Anything Joes: Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Anything Joes: Unboxing Kotobukiya's Dawn Moreno (Snake Eyes II) & Mighty Jaxx's Off Werk Snake Eyes Vinyl!

Greg takes a quick look at two new releases in the world of GI Joe statues and collectibles!
---
Watch Greg at the link in our profile!

#GIJoe #AnythingJoes @AnythingJoesPod #DawnMorano #SnakeEyes2 #SnakeEyes #Kotobukiya #MightyJaxx #OffWerk
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Lost in Transl Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Lost in Translation 414: I Love You, Colonel Sanders! (2019)

The game has a heart, and that heart is Colonel Sanders.
---
Read more of Scott's article at the link in our profile!

#ColonelSanders #KFC #LostInTranslation #ILoveYouColonelSanders
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Lost in Transl Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Lost in Translation 413: Cloak & Dagger (2018)

Cloak & Dagger is a coming-of-age story with superheroes, a teen drama with superheroes, and works as such.
---
Read more of Scott's article at the link in our profile!

#LostInTranslation #MarvelComics #MarvelTelevision #CloakAndDagger #AubreyJoseph #OliviaHolt
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Popcorn Cinema Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Popcorn Cinema 48: THE MULTIVERSE IS MADNESS

POPCORN raises his hands, putting them together in front of his face. He then pushes his face slowly through them as if he's giving birth to himself. 
---
Read more of John's reviews at the link in our profile!

#DoctorStrangeInTheMultiverseOfMadness #EverythingEverywhereAllAtOnce #SamRaimi #Daniels #BenedictCumberbatch #MichelleYeoh #ElizabethOlsen #JamesHong #JamieLeeCurtis #KeHuyQuan #StephanieHsu
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Anything Joes: Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Anything Joes: S01E37 - G.I. Joe #12 / Three Strikes For Snake-Eyes!

It's the start of one of the most iconic Joe stories in it's entire history, and it includes the return of two pivotal characters from the past! Join Greg and Jaren as they venture into Rio Lindo to root out Cobra's next devious plot!
---
Watch Greg and Jaren at the link in our profile!

#AnythingJoes @anythingjoespod #GIJoe #MarvelComics #SnakeEyes
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Lost in Transl Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Lost in Translation 412: Good Omens (2014 BBC Radio Dramatisation)

Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch was first published in 1990 and was a comedy about Revelations and Armageddon.
---
Read more of Scott's article at the link in our profile!

#LostInTranslation #GoodOmens #NeilGaiman #TerryPratchett #BBC #MarkHeap #PeterSerafinowicz #JimNorton #AdamThomasWright #JosieLawrence #Charlotterichie #ColinMorgan #CliveRussell #JuliaDeakin #BBCRadio
Today at https://psychodrivein.com Anything Joes: Today at https://psychodrivein.com

Anything Joes: S01E36 - Lexington Comic & Toy Convention 2022

Greg & Jaren recount their experience meeting Larry Hama at the Lexington Comic & Toy Convention 2022. Plus, the latest news, recent acquisitions, and listener mail!
---
Listen to Greg and Jaren's podcast at the link in our profile!

@anythingjoespod #AnythingJoes #GIJoe #Mezco #LarryHama
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Latest Columns

  • Anything Joes: S01E38 – Greg And Joel’s Favorite Modern Figures, Part 1

    Greg Engle
    June 24, 2022
  • Lost in Translation 415: Remaking Gilligan’s Island

    Scott Delahunt
    June 24, 2022
  • Anything Joes: Unboxing Kotobukiya’s Dawn Moreno (Snake Eyes II) & Mighty Jaxx’s Off Werk Snake Eyes Vinyl!

    Greg Engle
    June 15, 2022

TWITTER

My Tweets

Look Who's Talking

Oliver Ghingold
Oliver Ghingold - 2/18/2022
Muppet Madness: You’re the Director
Do you still have these tapes? I've been looking everywhere for them! I loved the Interactive Vision...
white swan
white swan - 12/22/2021
The Hills Have Eyes (1977) vs The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
I enjoyed the article though I would never call brutality gorgeous.
Shawn EH
Shawn EH - 10/26/2021
13 Days of Halloween Day 12: Halloween Kills (2021)
Very disappointing, it's true. And very mean-spirited murders of nobodies. And I don't even see how...
RSSTwitterFacebookinstagramtumblr

Archives

Large_rectangle_336X280
All work on this site is Copyright © each individual writer.
  • PDI Press
    • PDI Press Catalog
    • PDI Press Writers
      • Fiction
  • Columns A-D
    • A Fistful of Dollar Comics
    • ABCs of Horror
    • All Binge… No Purge
    • Anything Joes
    • Beautiful Creatures
    • Big Eyes Smart Mouth
    • Big Sleeps and Long Goodbyes
    • Cahiers du Horror
    • Dispatches From the Field
    • Drive-In Saturday
    • Dungeons & D-Listers
  • Columns F-P
    • The Final Girl
    • First Looks… Second Thoughts
    • The Flesh is Weak
    • Innocence and Experience
    • Lost in Translation
    • Page to Screen
    • Popcorn Cinema
    • Psycho Essentials: The ’80s!
  • Columns S-Z
    • Schlock & Awe
    • Shakespeare on Film
    • Shot for Shot
    • Sick Flix
    • Unnatural Selections
    • Versus
    • Video Word Made Flesh
    • We Got Lists
    • Women in Horror
    • The Xeno File
    • Zombies 101
  • Reviews
    • Books
    • Comics
    • DVD/Blu-ray
    • Movies
    • TV
    • Series
  • Interviews
  • News
    • Trailers
  • Psychos
  • Merchandise
%d bloggers like this: