CSI: Cyber 1.03 “Killer En Route”

OK, OK, OK. Maybe I had a little rum while I was watching this episode. Maybe, just maybe, rum makes me… charitable? Less of a dick? Whatever the case, I actually caught myself being interested in this episode. I mean, I suppose that the chimps with the typewriters are able to turn out Hamlet when they’re given enough time, right? I dunno. It was sort of like Bizarro-CSI: Cyber this week.

Dig it. Boston (we’re back in Boston again? Weren’t we just there last episode?) has a fleet of ZipCar-like Zogo cars. Apparently, the things are everywhere. Seriously, the street is swarming with the things. They really ought to call an automotive exterminator. It’s 5:17am, and everyone needs a ride someplace. Is it a walk of shame? Do Bostonians begin their workday at 5:30 in the morning? No one knows except for the guy getting into the car he ordered on his smart phone (or so he thought). Before long, we all realize he’s been Shanghaied by Zogo!

The driver who turned up to pick up our hapless victim was not, in fact, employed by Zogo, but was a serial killer who has hacked the Zogo site in order to intercept innocent victims. Or so we learn from CSI: Cyber bossman Simon, who is not only recapping what we’ve seen so far, but will also be joining the team on the mission! Maybe instead of popping up for recaps at the end of each act, he can narrate everything AS IT HAPPENS! Or maybe he’ll just spend the whole episode recapping the previous two episodes. I don’t know; I don’t really care, it’s just so damned exciting to have him coming along!

As I’m considering all these possibilities, Krumitz shows up wearing a tie. What the hell? And Raven’s blonde? Was she blonde before? I don’t think so. Honestly, she’s barely been in the show so far. If Agent Avery shows up with a drawn-on goatee, I’ll know we’re dealing with an alternate universe thing (she doesn’t, BTW). Avery and Agent Mundo quickly cut to the chase with our Zogo victim’s boss, only to learn that they were banging. Avery’s preternatural facial tic reading ability comes to the fore again to determine that the victim and his boss were in love, L-U-V.

On another note, an examiner, presumably searching for bubblegum discovered a single die in the victim’s mouth. All six sides have the number two on them. Why would something like that even exist, I ask? What game could possibly use dice like that?

We go to the Zogo headquarters to learn that high-tech, forward thinking companies hire high-end, forward thinking lawyers. Seriously, they have zero culpability here. Kids, always – ALWAYS – read the terms and conditions before you click the “I agree to the terms and conditions” box, because you might just end up in the back seat with a serial killer for a driver.

After Simon recaps the difference between Zogo cars and taxis for us (thanks, Simon!), I realize that we’re nearly ten minutes into the episode and the premise is still being established. I got it in the first minute, guys. Really, I’m good here.

But wait a minute. Why WAS Krumitz wearing that tie? And why is Raven blonde? Well, she’s a dirty stay-out, apparently, so that seems to answer that. Blondes really DO have more fun. But the tie has me wondering all the way through the Who song…

After the opening credits, we are met with another glossary term. This week it’s:

Phishing – sending fraudulent e-mails to infect devices and steal information.

Rife with portent, eh?

So… if our first upwardly-sexing victim had a number two in his mouth (the preadolescent in me is snickering at this sentence already), wouldn’t it stand to reason that there would be a number one? That’s what Avery and Mundo think. But that really doesn’t matter right now. Something’s up with Krumitz and Raven knows it. Maybe it’s the increased intuition afforded her by the newly-flaxened follicles, but it all comes to nothing. Chia-chin Krumitz just isn’t talking. Dammit, Krumitz! What the heck is up with you this episode?

Krumitz, always eager to change the subject, discovers malware in the Zogo system. Someone’s been phishing, I think (they say it’s a good idea to use a new term in a sentence at the earliest opportunity in order to really cement it into your usage). Raven somehow produces an address by clicking a bunch of keys on a keyboard.

Mundo and Avery, our boots on the ground, check it out. There’s a runner! Seriously, Mundo is an effing Viking when it comes to runners! Bickety-bam-boom, Patrick Murphy is under arrest for corporate sabotage and, possibly, MUHRRRRDERRR. A quick scan from Avery’s tic-reading powers (now with increased scrapbooking detection!) reveals Murphy to just be some poor schlub whose taxi service is in danger of no longer being able to keep his tween daughter in the craft store lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.

Glitter don’t come easy, yo.

Wait. So, we’ve eliminated our only suspect. Just like that?

That’s cool. We just found the rogue router that’s been causing all the mischief in the Zogo offices. It’s in a box on desk that’s apparently not being used at the moment. Dangit, Gerry, why did you have to win that trip to Jamaica on Wheel of Fortune? People are dying, Gerry, and where are you? Smoking reefer you bought from some guy standing in the Atlantic Ocean, that’s where, Gerry. Well, the router leads to an apartment, but the apartment’s empty, except for the weird closet-shrine to child hit-and-run victim Michael, who was killed by a runaway Zogo car at 5:17am.

Dun dun DUN (that’s my “we have a motive” leit motif – I’m seeking the patent).

But what’s up with Krumitz? He’s at the courthouse now (still bedecked in uncharacteristically professional attire) meeting with Francine, whomever that may be. The mysterious Francine tells him “I miss them too much. It hurts too much to remember.” To which Krumitz retorts “I’ll never forget what happened.”

WTF?

Michael’s dad’s GPS leads to the discovery of his car, and some creepy photos surface of another victim with a number three die in his mouth. Seriously, where is he finding these dice?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares? Let’s get back to Krumitz.

So, as it turns out, Krumitz’ parents were shot down in a convenience store seventeen years before, and he’s in court to testify against the parole of their killer, Taylor Pettis. Francine, from earlier? Krumitz’ sister. Oh, that’s all coming together now.

Back in bean town, the crazed serial killer driver has now become the crazed serial killer passenger.

He’s still out to stick it to Zogo for the death of his son. A game of elimination back in the command center between Raven and a back-from-his-deposition Krumitz results in the location of their guy. In an effort to help Mundo and Avery catch the car with the bad guy, Raven and Krumitz take over the Boston traffic lights from their office in DC, which is pretty effing awesome, if you ask me. One day I hope to seize control of the traffic lights from my cell phone. Then I will be UNSTOPPABLE!!!

But enough about me.

Mundo and Avery catch up to the guy, but he rabbits out of there. However, as has been previously stated, Mundo is Bruce friggin’ Lee when it comes to chasing down a runner. Once Simon is cornered, we learn that he’s just a grieving dad taking his revenge upon the company he feels is responsible for his son’s death by slaughtering innocent civilians.

Hey, everyone grieves in different ways. Who are we to judge, right?

Avery’s softer side springs forth to talk the crazy out of dad and take us to a commercial break. Just in time, too. I swear, if they hadn’t wasted so much time setting up the premise this episode could have been done in a half hour with time for ample commercial breaks. Shoulda coulda woulda, am I right?

Simon buys them drinks then makes them all pay in another way by making them suffer through his recap of the episode. Mundo worries that he might be like Davis, their serial killer grieving father. Wait, what? Luckily, we don’t have much time to dwell on this strange drunken revelation from Mundo, because Krumitz gets word that his parents’ killer has just been paroled, despite his best efforts to send the scumbag back to the pokie.

Wait. Is Krumitz going to be Batman?