Drive-In Saturday: Alien vs Ninja (2010)

For some people November is Movember. For others it’s NaNoWriMo. For no reason whatsoever, here at Psycho Drive-In, November is for Ninjas.

Where do I even start with a movie that has a name like Alien vs Ninja. Do I start with the name itself? It’s certainly accurate enough. I came into this hesitantly expecting an alien of some sort to be in combat against one or more ninjas and… yup, that certainly did happen (I won’t consider that a spoiler, considering that it’s literally in the title). So at least it isn’t misleading, right?

The film opens with a trio of ninjas flipping out of an exploding building in suspiciously un-ninja-like fashion, and the very first scene introduces us to several very important points about Alien vs Ninja – one, that the costumes (of the main characters) look cool as fuck. Fodder ninjas wear similar, yet ill-fitting outfits that clearly cost a bit less, but for our protagonists, we’re presented with some badass, Ninja Gaiden-esque black armor/mask combos, all of them similar but very slightly personalized to fit their character.

Exhibit A.

In addition, we see that the action scenes in this film are going to fucking rule. The very first scene features our central character, Yamata (whose JonTron beard will need some work if he’s gonna have it ready for the NormalBoots convention), laying the smackdown on a small group of Koga Ninja. This sequence is flashy, inspired, and well-shot, easy to follow and featuring some unique weapons – something that will be consistent with the rest of this movie’s action scenes. Yamata wins this filler battle, obviously, and we’re introduced to his two companions that we caught a glimpse of in the intro.

First is Jinnae, the “cool dude,” whose floofy, light brown hair lets us know that he’s supposed to stand out straight away. He’s like the Japanese James Dean, with a casual, muted attitude, plenty of lazy stances and leaning against various objects, and a voice like he is constantly narrating a Tekken cutscene. This guy clearly does not give a fuck, and God bless him for that.

Secondly, we have Nezumi, who is this movie’s Jar Jar Binks – or Snails, if you’d prefer a Dungeons and Dragons reference to a Phantom Menace one. He’s shorter, fatter, and overall dumber-looking than his two companions, with an uncomfortably unfashionable dildo-covered helmet and a voice that… well, fuck. Okay, remember Jackie Chan in the beginning of Drunken Master? How gratingly painful his constant wailing quickly became? Take that babyish shrieking and multiply it by about four, and then you’ll get a feeling for how much I want to strangle Nezumi to motherfucking death.

Now try to guess who’s who. If it takes you longer than six seconds, you lose.

Our three unlikely heroes head back to their village after the brief skirmish, their off-screen mission completed, and get debriefed by the old ninja master guy. We don’t see much of him, as he’s not particularly vital to the film’s “story,” but he does leave an impression with his pepperoni pizza facial burns and his army of gasmask Nazi ninjas (I’ve gotta get the digits of the guy who figured out how to mass-produce Karl Kroenen). During this scene we’re also introduced to a completely unimportant and flamboyantly gay character that looks like Chow Yun-fat and Varys the Spider had an awkwardly offensive, hesistantly-overacting Japanese manbaby. Let that sink in for a sec.

It’s after they leave this village that the film actually starts to pick up, with the introduction of the titular “alien.” The main three ninjas (with me screaming at the screen for Nezumi to die as quickly as possible) meet up with a group of necessary fodder ninjas, led by the glossy-lipped Rin, whose specialized ninja armor turns her boobs into an impenetrable fortress while leaving her ass completely unprotected. The sacrifices we make for fashion, am I right?

One of these characters will survive longer than five minutes.

Now, as I mentioned, this is where we finally get to the alien, and we see that whoever made this movie 1) loves monster movies, and 2) isn’t big on original ideas. The creature we’re dealing with shows glimmers of the Yautja (Predator), the Graboids (Tremors), and most prominently, the Xenomorphs (Alien). Like, seriously, if Ridley Scott ever sees this movie he is gonna straight-up sue a bitch. This thing looks like a xeno fucked all of the Power Rangers and had an absolutely fucking awful baby. And I love it.

Admittedly, however, I’m pretty confused about its capabilities. This thing can burrow underground like a total boss, can dissolve entire human bodies in a matter of seconds, may or may not be able to turn invisible, can swordfight, and can jump between trees significantly more quickly than it’s able to do anything else. However, none of these are quite as exciting as the way it… breeds?

So – let me get this straight. Its neck-vagina (hi, H. R. Giger!) opens up underneath its dolphin head, and a big penis comes out. The penis then separates into a tongue-tentacle, then wraps around your head while it face-rapes you with its head-babies, which resembles something between an Abyssal Sea Cucumber and the baby from Silent Hills P.T.

Wow, I’m on fire with the weird combinations today.

Trying to imagine it will probably be worse than actually seeing it, so I wouldn’t recommend that.

When tentacles and Japan meet, however, we get… well, you know what we get. We get some really awkward (or totally hot, depending) sexual overtones. After the first encounter with the alien (and our four heroes choosing to pursue it) we get some of exactly that, when Jinnae is captured and Rin is alone to battle the monster.

Despite busting out her magical (?) gloves for the encounter (which don’t match the rest of her outfit, like an RPG character who got a new item and had to equip it for the stats), their face-off quickly dissolves into awkward grapple-punch-humping, complete with tail action. This scene is equal parts hilarious, awkwardly arousing, and actually well-choreographed, resulting in the alien escaping with Jinnae. It was around this point that my initial confusion about this film’s quality was put to rest – this movie is sweet.

No denying that it has its heart in the right place.

I’ll halt the synopsis for now and encourage you to go check this movie out for yourself if it sounds like something you’d be interested in. It may not be a well-written masterpiece with witty dialogue and a gripping story, but it’s a brilliantly stupid and well-directed movie about ninjas who fight an alien. I laughed, I cried, I screamed triumphantly at my computer screen; I lived a lifetime in a moment.

I fucking love this fucking piece of shit movie. It’s like an absolutely gorgeous train wreck that just gets more amazing the longer it goes on. Words really cannot describe the slack-jawed awe that I experienced during certain sequences of this film. Does that mean it’s good? No, no, not at all. But it does make it fucking awesome.

This is the kind of movie that you’re going to either love or hate, and I really can’t imagine any middle ground. If it sounds like something you’d be into, take the hour and a half out of your life to experience it, because it’s really something special.