Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Since there are no good horror flicks out, I went to see the next best thing, Fifty Shades of Grey. Much like a serial killer, CEO Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), stalks women, ties them up naked, and whips them. It sounds more like the plot of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than a Valentine’s Day blockbuster. Yes, this film was released on Valentine’s Day 2015, complete with Beyonce single, “Haunted.” The song’s title also describes how you feel after hearing it more than once.

Fifty Shades has become a global phenomenon making BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) more mainstream, but is it worth seeing? Yes, see this movie–it’s hilarious and wonderfully bad, like a horror movie. Don’t like horror movies? You’ll love it anyway, because it’s like porn with a fat Hollywood budget.

And much like porn, the dialogue is so God-awful, you can’t help but laugh. I thought Christian Grey had a traumatic brain injury because the dialogue is SO dumb. No one talks like this–and it’s fucking hilarious. I haven’t laughed this hard in a movie theater since the first Twilight.

From bad dialogue to even worse casting, Fifty Shades had me on the floor, bound by laughter (not electrical tape). As it turns out, this film is actually a “drama,” and my laughter likely ruined the experience of the five middle-aged women in the theater. Here’s some of the hilarious Fifty Shades dialogue:

Ana: I’m saying no to anal fisting.

Christian: Okay.

Ana: And no to vaginal fisting.

Christian: WHAT?! ARE YOU SURE?!!!

Ana: Yes. Wait…what’s a butt plug?

  ***************

Ana: Why are you like this?

Christian: Because I’m Fifty shades of fucked up.

Seriously, that is some of the actual dialogue. However, horrible dialogue aside, I can definitely see why this movie has raked in over $500 million dollars at the box office. It’s really, fucking, hot. Even though Jamie Dornan is NOT my Christian, (#notmychristian), he is still pretty jacked.

And it’s super-hot that he flies helicopters and has an NFL-sized bank account. But unlike many rich NFL players, Christian Grey wants consent.

But, seriously, Jamie Dornan? So many better choices for Christian…

The director’s choice NOT to go with Ian Somerhalder upset many fans. The Vampire Diaries star should have been Christian Grey for several reasons. They are outlined in a recent Examiner article, but it’s pretty simple. Ian plays dark and sexy very well (bad boy vampire, Damon), has his own red room/S&M playground, AND would’ve used his fame to raise money to give to young women. Seriously, he does work with these charities.

I’ll admit, though, Jamie Dornan does two things very well: be sexy and emotionally disturbed. Dornan is a talented actor, and the emotional trauma that his character has lived through is palpable–moving almost. And acting out this haunted past is no small feat. Christian Grey has been through A LOT. This is Christian’s bio from the Fifty Shades Wikia page:

Christian’s mother was addicted to drugs, and worked as a prostitute. Her pimp was extremely abusive to both her and Christian. When he was four years old, his mother committed suicide; he was alone with her body for four days before they were discovered by police. To the outside world, he appears as a young, handsome, business-savvy, man. However, he has a dark side–he secretly practices BDSM.

Wow.

And, by the way, Christian lost his virginity at the age of 15 to one of his mother’s friends who was into BDSM. That’s a lot for one actor to handle and, in the end, Christian Grey comes off as a pervy, home-schooled weirdo. As long as Jamie Dornan isn’t speaking, he’s perfect. But as soon as he delivers his lines, you wonder why Ian Somerhalder isn’t holding the whip.

Dornan is hot enough to play “the dominant” (guy with whip), but is there really that much S&M in the movie? Not really.

After Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson) interviews CEO Christian Grey, they fall into a torrid sexual affair. The most shocking part of the movie is when we find out that, Ana, (randomly from Savannah, Georgia) is a…VIRGIN?! What college senior from the South is a freaking virgin? Apparently, she’s been waiting for her soulmate.

As soon as Christian takes Ana’s virginity, the whips and chains aren’t far behind. Christian whips Ana a handful of times and she cries. But that’s it. There’s more S&M in a three-minute Rihanna music video. Yet in our Puritanical American society, these sex scenes are a big deal (unlike France, where you only have to be 12 to see this movie).

And that’s one of the great things about the film, it’s largely uncensored. In a society mired in slut-shaming, it’s refreshing to see a film with a strong, sexually liberated female character. And it’s a good thing Ana Steele gives up her virginity to be a sex slave in Christian Grey’s red room–because without that sexual deviance, Ana is heartbreakingly dull and stupid. She’s supposed to be a version of Bella Swan from Twilight, so let’s reward Dakota Johnson for nailing that role.

At least with Fifty Shades of Grey, 100 million Americans are NOT reading Twilight, which is blatant Mormon propaganda thinly veiled as Jane Austen fan fiction. So instead of the super-Christian “wait until marriage” speech being shoved down the readers’ throats, we get a different message. The Fifty Shades writer, E.L. James, turned Edward and Bella’s love story into Christian and Ana’s tale of handcuffs and ball-gags.

Christian Grey is a vast improvement over Edward Cullen for many reasons. One, he pays for his partner’s birth control and doctor visits.

A man who’s your own personal ObamaCare? Sexy.

So not only is this movie sexy, it also teaches next-gen college kids about safe sex. I seriously walked out of this movie in stronger support of Planned Parenthood.

All in all, this is fun movie to watch. And I’m psyched it has helped get millions of readers interested in a book for 12th graders. That’s progress, considering most bestsellers like, Harry Potter or Hunger Games, are at a 6-8th grade level. And the higher the literacy rates get for young women, the less likely they are to become strippers. So in the end, this movie’s a good thing–as bad as it may be.

So if this movie is telling young women to demand that their partners wear condoms, pay for their birth control, and get consent, what’s the harm? I actually see a lot of good here. I feel like the film is telling young women, “you don’t need romance, relationships, and all that Hollywood crap–just a vibrator and a good book.”

Literacy through porn? That’s as American as apple pie.

This movie is trash, but much like slowing down to see a car wreck, it’s fantastically awful trash–so awful, you can’t look away.

And let’s not forget, it’s basically porn. And don’t worry, there’s already a sequel in the works.

Fifty Shades Darker, coming in 2016, will answer the question, “Do Ana and Christian reunite?” I hope so. That’s going to be some steamy makeup sex.

Until then here’s some Christian Grey gems:

Fifty Shades of Grey

1. I don’t make love…I fuck…hard.
2. That’s impressive [Ana handling rope] …You a girl scout?

Fifty Shades Darker

1. Do you really want a normal relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?
2. You are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms and all of them belong to me.

Lastly, comedian, John Oliver has some brilliant commentary on this dialogue.