Yes, it appears that The Emoji Movie is going to actually be a real thing. Is that good? Is that bad? Is society on the brink of collapse? Let’s ask the Psycho Drive-In All-Stars!

But first, here’s the trailer!

When I first saw the Emoji Movie teaser my face twisted into a rictus of despair. This is where we were as a society. We as humans had decided there was nothing that could not be monetized in some way through mainstream film. Maybe it was just reinforcing to the fact that kids will watch anything animated, or more aptly, their parents will take them to anything animated assuming they will like it. I mean, Nut Job is getting a sequel and that movie was pretty awful. So, it seemed like a cheap cash grab with a premise I could only dream about, and trying hurt my brain.

Fast forward to now, and we have our first trailer for this monstrosity. Now, despite my hesitation going in, I think I kind of liked what I saw. Drawing from voice talent I really enjoy, like James Corden and Sir Patrick Stewart, The Emoji Movie seems like it’s trying to cash in on a formula Pixar started long ago, which was to apply emotions to concepts and objects that have become ubiquitous in modern life. What if toys had feelings, what if monsters in your closet were real, what if video games existed in a shared world of their own. The Emoji Movie posits that perhaps there is world inside our phones and that the faces we send to each other might aspire to other things. While I might not have chosen emojis as direct subject matter, there is something about the way we have started adding some small nuance to our textual conversations using these weird faces/objects/food.

So, while I do think that perhaps Hollywood has dug too deep in its desire to find things to market, perhaps the emoji movie won’t be a complete failure. I mean, hey, The Lego Movie was fantastic, and I was similarly skeptical.

— Jeffrey Roth

emoji-01

So it’s come to this.

The world decided what to think about The Emoji Movie before we even knew what studio was making it. Not since the remake of Ghostbusters have I seen something so despised, and to be entirely honest, most people didn’t get all that peeved at Ghostbusters until the trailer came out. Meanwhile, back when The Emoji Movie (emovjie? I’m not gonna be able to make a thing, am I? No? Alright I’ll drop it. Honest) was no more than a rustle in its pappy’s drawers, it was being hailed as the death of cinema. The death of originality. The final nail in the coffin of anything resembling a fresh new idea from the simmering bowels of the Hollywood machine.

Not the Angry Birds movie. Not Independence Day 2: Even Less Dependence. Not even the new fucking Ghostbusters. It was this. And while The Emoji Movie doesn’t seem to draw any actual rage the way Ghostbusters did, it’s gotten this kind of offhand disgust, a sort of resignation that nothing will ever be good, ever again. Not anger. Just this empty, resolute despair.

This being the case I was very interested to see what this was going to look like. Not necessarily out of any real desire to go against the grain out of sheer spite, but just to see how the fuck this debacle would turn out. It didn’t seem possible that it could be, or even look, half-ass watchable.

I mean… emojis? Really?

But Sony stuck to its guns and we finally got to see the trailer. And wow. Just…

emojiyoutube

Wow.

Hey, uh… hey internet? You need to talk? You wanna tell me how you feel? Looks like you might have some issues to work through. I’m here if you need me. Just, whenever. I’ll bring the mint chocolate chip.

Now the interesting part is that this movie boasts an absolute army of likeable voice acting. T.J. Miller is an absolute treasure who’s so goddamn charming on his own that he can make even a bad or mediocre movie somewhat fun to watch (I’m looking at you, Office Christmas Party. I haven’t forgotten. I never forget). Throw in a return to form from Anna Faris and a somewhat outside-the-box pick with James Corden (along with a pile of other respectable voices) and there’s just a lot to like, here. Fuck, even Patrick Stewart signed on for this pile of shit (you’ll… probably appreciate that pun more if you realize that he’s actually playing the poop emoji. I maybe should have led with that).

Not that, by any stretch of the imagination, The Emoji Movie looks unironically good. It’s got some plain-ass animation and a done-to-death story about finding yourself and accepting who you are, because that’s been the approximate message of the last five hundred million eight hundred and seventy-two thousand five hundred and sixty-eight children’s films ever fucking made. Of course it’s about accepting who you are. There’s nothing new there.

But I guess that’s kind of why I’m confused. There’s nothing new, here, no. Nor is there anything especially offensive. I guess it’s the whole “emoji” thing that got peoples’ hackles up and I get that, for sure; my hackles went up too the instant I heard this movie might even exist. Seeing it now — the trailer anyway — yeah, it’s not gonna be great or special or anything new. It might be worth a couple chuckles. Harmless for kids. The candy joke at the end got a legit giggle out of me.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, did we rile ourselves up unnecessarily for something that looks like it’ll ultimately just be a mediocre — not even terrible, just mediocre — kids’ movie? Is it the death of originality? It seemed like an obvious harbinger of the end times in theory. But watching the trailer… I guess the sense of impending doom just isn’t washing over me the way I thought it would.

Oh well.

— Alex Wolfe