The Third Day of Christmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

This holiday season, we at Psycho Drive-In would like to introduce you to the good, the bad, and ugly of not just any Holiday Films, but the Holiday Films you may have forgotten, overlooked, or just didn’t realize were Holiday Films. There’s no Rankin-Bass, no Miracles on any streets, no traditional happy family gathering fare. Instead there’s a lot of blood, violence, some terrorists, monsters, and even aliens. Plus more than a couple of bizarre Anti-Santas to go around. Twelve days, twelve films, twelve opportunities to amuse and disturb your families this holiday season.

On the Third Day of Christmas, Shawn Hill gives to you, Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984).

Poor Billy. How could he know his parents’ simple trip to visit his grandfather (apparently faking dementia in a retirement home, for reasons of his own) would go so horribly awry? Too late they learn never to stop for a Santa with car trouble, not when he’s on a rampage of robbery, murder and rape. Billy, seeing his mom violated, somehow equates the Freudian primal scene with an evil St. Nick who punishes the naughty (rather than gifting the nice), and a sojourn in a Catholic orphanage run by strict nuns does little to untangle his childish confusion and fear.

Some recognizable character faces appear amongst the supporting cast, lending a little expertise to the role of Mother Superior, and the owner of the toy store where adult Billy is finally employed. We also get more than a few ironic glances at evil toys, clown faces and holiday snow-scapes. But the Mother’s punishments only underline the badness of sex in Billy’s mind, so he’s got little idea what to do with his feelings of attraction to a friendly coworker.

Pamela does serve as the third occasion for the boob fixation of director Sellier (who seems to have alternated between occult and religious flicks in his career), who envisions a love scene as two nude partners laying chastely atop each other, gently caressing as they kiss. We do get a shot of Billy’s butt and hairy legs as well, which is nice because pretty soon he’ll be stuck in a Santa suit against his will for the rest of the film. This after the introduction of the adult actor in a joking head-to-toe tracking shot of how well he turned out.

It’s a shame that the best looking guy in the cast has to spend his time in rubber boots and a shaggy fat suit, because the original store Santa had a skating accident. Billy can’t deal with becoming his worst nightmare, especially when the charming but naïve Pamela is nearly raped by a crude coworker at the office Christmas party. He takes care of her attacker with a string of Christmas lights, but he also has a box cutter for poor Pamela as well, right between the boobs. They’ve all been “naughty, naughty.”

From then on it’s a parade of interesting deaths, the best of which has to go to scream queen Leanna Quigley (impaled, topless, on reindeer horns), but also including an arrow through the chest, beheading while sledding, an ax to the chest, a hammer to the head and defenestration into the snow. Did I mention this was all taking place in a lonely season in Utah?

Hmm, that might explain the religious movies, too, though nothing will ever really explain the complete lack of faith, hope or spirit in this one. Sex leads to punishment, bad Santas confuse children, and the only reason to watch this film is if you hate Christmas as much as Billy. Don’t worry, because before the credits roll, we’re assured “everything’s going to be okay now, because Santa’s dead.”