True Blood 4.07 “Cold Grey Light of Dawn”

Rafael Gaitan: We’re now officially 58.3 % into True Blood, and boy is my patience tried!

Danny Djeljosevic: …you just calculated that, didn’t you?

Rafael: Oh, yeah — I Rain Man‘d that shit. But we’re at Episode 7, “Cold Grey Light of Dawn,” which is incidentally the episode we watched the least drunk… which says something.

Danny: Maybe you were the least drunk. I was incredibly drunk during this one.

Rafael: This is a True Milestone for True Blood. The episode opens with a scene of that dumb broad Marnie killing a vampire or something, and then the possessed spirit comes to the forefront, announcing “I’m back!” Cut to credits, and DING! The shortest amount of time that I was done with an episode of True Blood: 1′ 57″.

So we start with Tara and her lesbian lover in medias rest (BECAUSE THEY’RE BORING) fighting it out with Decrepit Old Pam. I guess because they have to?
Danny: In this one, she gets choked by Pam but good.

Rafael: Oh, it’s because Tara’s involved in that coven bullshit. I’m going to tamp my rage ’til we get there. This fight was cool, but totes frontloaded. I realize now that when we saw tara fighting in a cage, it was to show howbadass and tough she is. Bro, that was six episodes ago, and was a cheap ploy at best. This fight is resolved as quickly as Eric Northman slid into Cookie Crackhouse.

Danny: There’s a lot of sex in this episode, yo. We get to see Eric put it into Cookie’s crackhouse, then we get to see Italian Lumberjack saw down that blond chick.

Rafael: Man, as much boning as this episode featured, I felt like I was the one getting fucked — by bad storytelling. They should have called this show Tell Me You Love Me, with all that fucking going on. Do you even remember why Lumberjack and Not-Cookie were boning?

Danny: I cannot remember why Lumberjack and UnCookie were boning. Probably because they were horny.

Rafael: Yes, but without artistic reason for their boning, is it really a boning we want to watch? What do you think this show is, some kind of hashtag-centric nighttime trash with a self-importance streak?

Danny: I think there’s an entire DVD industry that will argue that point with you.

Rafael: So Eric stakes Cookie Crackhouse’s coffin but good, only to be discovered by Bill Condom. Being a vampire, I assume Eric went in raw. But Bill finds them and he realized he’s not as snug a fit as he used to be. He’s come to warn Eric that Marnie’s back or that witch or whatever from earlier.

Danny: So, to deal with the threat of Marnie/Dark Phoenix, all the vampires strap themselves down with silver chains. Because that’s exciting television.

Rafael: See, because silver hurts them and whatever. I was hoping that when Marnie did the shit, the plan would backfire and you’d see a bunch of bifurcated vampires laying about in pain. How rad would that have been? And you could have had them all die and chopped the season in half.

Danny: I wish you wrote True Blood.

Rafael: We’re not bros anymore. We are not bros anymore. But we do get one of the raddest scenes in the series, where Jessica’s fine ass manages to escape from her chains, and as Bill begs her to take him out of the foil wrapper, she creeps to the light. The whole thing was awesome and dangerous until they pulled the ol’ white-lighter. Now we have to wait an entire week to not give a fuck.

Danny: My favorite part was when Hoyt’s mom watches her neighbor walk into the sunlight, bursts into flames, and then Mrs. Hoyt goes “I knew it.”

Rafael: Man, yeah! I love Hoyt’s momma’s ignorant ass.

Danny: Whenever there’s dark humor, the show pulls it off pretty well.

Rafael: Speaking of Young Mr. Fortenberry, we see him pay a visit to Jay-Z Crackhouse. Whom we see doing some sort of odd sex push-ups? My junk does the same whenever I think of Deborah Ann Woll while on my stomach too, but no one wants to look at my abs, so I’m forced to the Outernet.

Danny: I remember nothing about this subplot.

Rafael: Hoyt comes over and Jason thinks that he’s being confronted about his lust for Jessica, but Hoyt is just being a super dope friend, like the kind Jason doesn’t deserve.

“I’m worried about you.”

“What’d I do, Bubba?”

“…You were raped.”

IRL LOLZ

Danny: Hoyt’s a good guy. Jason’s a dumb guy. Amazing both of them have lived this long.

Rafael: They average out to a pretty swell dude.

What do you say we check in with America’s Dopiest Couple: Terry and Arlene? I gotta say, don’t remember much about what happened here, except that there was a singing dead black lady who may or may not be LaFayette’s Ghost Mom or whatever.

Danny: I thought that was Beloved.

Rafael: That the baby apparently sees. And while this is happening. Our Mr. Bellafleur fucks up his date with the newest haunted blonde at Merlotte’s All because he’s jonesing for the wrong V.

NOTE: At this point Raf went in for a high five.

Danny: There needs to be more Andy shenanigans in these episodes. His drug-addicted bumbling makes for entertaining TV, but there’s not enough of it.

Rafael: We got a good fill though, and I love the little touches, like when he takes back the flowers. That poor waitress is trying, really trying to give him a chance… but he’s Andy Bellefleur, dangit.

Danny: And he got them flowers on sale at Winn-Dixie. Or is it… BECAUSE of Winn-Dixie?

Rafael: Our brodom is now in the negatives.

But our irrereparable relationship is not nearly as damaged as Sam’s with his brother’s!Because Sam finds out that his brother can shapeshift into people, and boned Shivakamini Somakandarkram. And when she finds out, it’s like the best thing. Stupid, innocent Sam is crushed and this Fine Piece of Specimen is simultaneously sick, grossed out and destitute. It’s like she has an aneurysm right in the middle of the school she works at or whatever.

Danny: Does he kill his stupid brother? I forgot, and I don’t know how to Google.

Rafael: I’m pretty sure he beats him severely, probably excommunicates him, but I can’t be arsed to open another window on my computer for True Blood. But man, as much as I don’t like that kid or this story, it finally had its payoff, like when he killed his parents.

Danny: I will pour out some booze over the fallen quality of this show.