Felicity Gustafson: All it’d take is sitting down the wrong way. Or worse… tripping up the stairs and hitting it face-first.
Danny Djeljosevic: Maybe the cushion is really good, to offset the unease of giant swords? The real Game of Thrones is how long you can sit in that thing. I’d like to think at the beginning of the episode Joffrey had only sat in it for a few minutes before going “You take care of the rest, mummy,” and walking off, rubbing his butt.
Paul Brian McCoy: It came outfitted with Robert’s hemorrhoid pillow.
Felicity: Must be a kingly necessity that you have a badonkadonk. For added cushioning.
Danny: “No throne ever benefitted a skinny king!” said Robert, as he ate a giant turkey leg. George Reginald wRiter Martin, you are a genius
Felicity: That was a pretty good song. I’m considering putting it on my iPod.
Danny: I’ve already downloaded the club remix.
Nick: Is that the remix Major Lazer did?
Danny: Lil Wayne does a verse at the end. It’s weird.
Paul: You know, his name was Marillion. I used to listen to Marillion in my mornful artsy phase.
Danny: If he wants to stay in the rap game, he should change his name to Marillionaire.
Nick: Maybe the band Marillion will cover Marillion the bard and resurrect their careers
Danny: Synergy!
Nick: I’m going to go get on this.
“Hey Fish,
You don’t know me but I’ve got an idea I want to sell you on.
Basically, your band name is the same as this bard who just lost his tongue on Game of Thrones. I’m telling you, we could have this shit go viral instantly if you’ll just cover his song.
I went ahead and got the lyrics and chords for you. You guys do the rest, give me, say, 45% off the top (we can negotiate) and the rest is history!
I already bought the domain name: www.marillionbymarillion.com
Your friend,
Nick”
Felicity: I’m hoping this’ll be when Sansa’s character starts kicking ass. If she manages to kill him, I will worship that ginger.
Nick: I was pretty impressed with her sticking up for herself, albeit briefly. However, I was then immensely disappointed immediately after when she didn’t shove that little fuck off the bridge
Danny: Though the conclusion of that scene makes me wonder what Scarred Combover Knight was up to.
Nick: I think Combover Knight is actually pretty honorable. He’s not like his brother. He probably hates that blonde little shit as much as anyone else
Paul: Honorable, but kind of a dick.
Paul: Did we ever find out what happened to his brother?
Nick: They mentioned Gregor in this episode, actually.
Danny: Is Combover Knight’s brother Bronn?
Paul: The Mountain.
Danny: Combover Knight, Bronn, Marillionaire — everybody on this show looks like Paddy Considine.
Paul: Ned sent riders to take his head and that’s the last we heard of him, I think.
Paul: And what’s Cersei up to with her cousin? Fickle. It’s just wrong to be cheating on her brother like that with their cousin.
Felicity: Cersei’s always up to no good with her family members…
Nick: I think the remaining Starks are smart enough to realize he’s more valuable alive, no matter how much they want to behead him as vengeance. And Cersei was in desperate need of some incest action, she hadn’t gotten her daily fill in… days.
Danny: I imagined a sex scene where Cersei is just urging some relative to describe where he fits in their family tree mid-coitus so she can enjoy it more.
Nick: “Look, just pretend we’re first cousins instead of third, okay?!”
Felicity: But do you think they’ll trade him? I mean, once his dad has him back, there’s not much stopping the Lannisters from… well, anything. Assuming he has enough of a heart to care for his son, anyway.
Nick: Maybe Jaime had designated Twiggy Lannister as his tag in in case of emergency.
Felicity: He probably did. They probably have a list to go through in case of emergencies.
Danny: There’s a whole line of succession to Cersei’s nethers as there is to the throne. CERSEI IS THE REAL THRONE!
Paul: There’s a line of skinny blonde boys behind glass up and down the hall, like the old dragon skulls.
Nick: I think Pa Lannister is serious about his desire for this “stupidity and madness” to end and if offered a deal, he’d take it rather than worry about saving face. He doesn’t really need to worry about his badass reputation when he has all the money in the realm. And let’s face it, all this warring and division can’t be good for business
Danny: Old Man Lannister is a no-bullshit kind of guy. He makes it clear that he loves his sons and thinks that Joffrey is a twit.
Nick: After all, the Lannister motto is not Family First despite Cersei’s creative attempts to prove otherwise. And by “creative attempts” I mean “nonstop incest sexy times.”
Paul: That’s the name of the series when it airs in Japan.
Felicity: Everyone thinks Joffrey’s a twit. Even Cersei. He’s easy to control.
Nick: I think Cersei is actually a little shocked at how Joffrey is using the throne, though.
Felicity: Oh, yes. She’s pissed that he’s not listening. Did you see her face over Ned?
Danny: Yeah, her reaction to the Ned beheading was shock, wasn’t it?
Paul: Nobody expected that. Except the people who’ve read the books already.
Nick: More than that, he’s ruining their reputation. His actions are gearing up to be like the Mad King her family helped depose.
Felicity: Big surprise, the prepubescent boy who sits on the throne is power drunk. I don’t even think the Lannisters really cared about the Mad King. They just kinda sat back and waited for it to happen.
Danny: The trick to the game is waiting around for somebody to get killed so you can take their place.
Felicity: Game of Thrones = timing.
Danny: It’s like platforms in Super Mario Bros.
Nick: I think the Lannisters did care in their own way. The Mad King was good for no one and they can’t have one of their own begin to behave like the Mad King because it will put a huge wrench in their plans
Paul: That was brilliant.
Felicity: I wasn’t expecting that at all.
Danny: He was pretending to be a feeble old fogie, right? I wasn’t imagining that? That moment when he stands up completely straight and then gets back into character as a hunched over dying tree of a man was amazing.
Felicity: He’s not stupid by a long shot, but he is rather ancient.
Nick: Oh, he’s old, but he doesn’t seem to be feeble. You don’t get to be that old in this reality without being a deceptive fucker, after all.
Paul: And who do the whores work for and report back to?
Nick: They established that Ros works for Littlefinger, so at least that particular prostitute is in his employ.
Danny: I feel like he’s what a lot of the support characters on this show are — people playing a part to get by. Like Littlefinger, whohas that glorious barb-exchanging scene with the Spider.
Paul: The little dialogue between Littlefinger and Varys was nicely done.
Nick: Their barbexchanges are becoming one of my favorite devices on this show.
Paul: Pycelle is so adamant about supporting Joff that now I think he’s probably got something horrible and anti-Joff planned. And by “horrible,” I mean “awesome.”
Felicity: Is it just me or did his character do a 180 from the beginning of the show? He seemed like a nice old guy giving advice to Ned and now he’s like “TREASON! Off with his head!” I didn’t really take him for being incredibly two faced.
Nick: I think that was a big part of what that scene was about, it was showing us that he’s far more deceptive and manipulative than we’ve been led to believe. If you go back and watch his interactions with Ned, particular when Ned discovers genetics, you see they’ve been hinting at it.
Paul: I think he’s playing the dottering old man for Joffrey’s sake, and doing everything he can to make Littlefinger believe it, too.
Danny: I don’t know if he’s two-faced, but I think he really wants to keep his job.
Felicity: So what do you suspect his end goal is?
Danny: Not get beheaded, for one thing.
Felicity: He seems to be leading Joffrey to something.
Paul: Dead Joffrey.
Nick: I think his end goal is really just to stay where he is.
Danny: Yeah, considering his career thus far, he’s not going to bet on the losing horse that is Ned Stark. He doesn’t say what “the thing about kings is,” but you kind of get an idea from his speech that his own “thing” is about being the wise old man to whoever’s on the throne at the moment.
Nick: He clearly has grown comfortable with court life and doesn’t like disruptions to that status quo. Ned was a huge disruption, so he steered Joffrey to killing him. Maybe he’ll have Joffrey kill all of the distractions and then lead Joffrey to death.
Paul: I disagree completely.
Nick: I’m curious to hear what your theory is, Paul, mainly because I honestly hadn’t thought too much about Pycelle until this episode
Paul: Like I’ve been saying, I think he’s got it in for Joff. That speech, to me, was all about the exact opposite of what he was really saying. He’s seen more kings than any man alive, and Joff is going to be one of the worst.
Nick: Oh, I think he has it in for Joff, too, but he also clearly had it in for Ned.
Paul: He only turned on Ned after Ned was done.He’s probably the only one who expected Joff to kill him no matter what his mom said. So build it up. Be overly loyal. Wait for a time to act.
Nick: Ah, I don’t know about that, he tried to mislead Ned before then and was one of the most vocal dissenters against Ned in throne discussions.
Danny: From that speech I got that, having lived through so many reigns, he knows that Joffrey isn’t long for this world.
Paul: That’s a good question.
Felicity: He would probably want a weaker king. Easier to control that way.
Nick: Renly would be a pretty weak king, I think
Felicity: Renly would be a better king than Stannis, I think. As far as I can tell, everyone seems to agree that Stannis would make a horrible king.
Paul: Renly would be more popular. Horrible because he’d be a hard-ass prude. Close up the whorehouses and such.
Nick: Stannis would be like Robert minus all the fun.
Felicity: Oh, no! No whores?! Hmm.
Nick: And that’s why Felicity stops watching.
Paul: That puts Littlefinger out of a major source of income. And out of influence.
Felicity: True, I doubt Baelish would allow that. He’d probably weasel around and get Stannis to keep them open.
Nick: Haha, actually, I think you could argue that it would make Littlefinger even more money. He’d be the only source, it’d be illegal and therefore more expensive, and him owning the city watch would make sure he could keep every other player out of that game. At least, that’s how that has worked out in Vancouver.
Paul: No beheadings in Vancouver, though.
Nick: Um, actually…
Paul: Ha!
Nick: We also have that problem with disembodied limbs showing up in the water, maybe you heard about that?
Felicity: Have you at least learned to burn those bodies that show up in the rivers?
Nick: Fun fact: Vancouver is Game of Thrones, but with drugs. We don’t burn them, we just include the reanimated corpses in a special area of our sex trafficking.
Paul: So now that we’ve talked through all of those possibilities, we can pretty much be sure it’ll be something different.
Danny: If we come up with every possible logical theory, what will actually happen in future episodes of Game of Thrones will involve spaceships and Batman.
Nick: Ah, same here, especially when they panned back to reveal the regular folk looking on, proving that the “King of the North” isn’t exactly everyone’s King of the North just yet.
Paul: The little people don’t care about the Game of Thrones, remember? They just wanna eat.
Felicity: They just randomly show up naked in the forest. Otherwise they keep to themselves.
Danny: This episode was sorely lacking in Hodor penis. He’s part giant, you know.
Nick: Don’t worry, I hear Hodor’s penis gets a big moment next season.
Danny: Game of BONERS, more like.
Paul: It doesn’t pop up on the map, does it?
Nick: No, but I’ve heard it is the sword in the darkness
Danny: The horse that will mount the world.
Paul: sigh
Nick: Why do all of our conversations devolve to penis jokes?
Danny: Because we are not Devo — we are men.
Felicity: Was there an actual purpose to that scene other than shock value?
Paul: It’s right out of the book.
Felicity: Yeah, that one was my fault. I needed to get it in there because I wasn’t here for the convo for that episode, haha.
Nick: Needed to get it in there, did you? Did it fit?
Danny: OH DEAR
Felicity: Oh, it was a tight squeeze. I hear he’s part giant, y’know.
Paul: I wasn’t expecting for Tyrion to become the Hand.
Nick: You know what a Hand needs, right Paul? But yes, some great Tyrion moments this episode.
Danny: Seeing Tyrion get a promotion was nice. I was wondering if he’d just be a side character this whole time or what.
Felicity: I wasn’t expecting Tyrion to end up as the Hand either, but I’m happy with the idea. He’s smart enough and I’m not sure he’s entirely on the side of the Lannisters either.
Nick: The little moment where Pa Lannister decides to call Tyrion “son” was strangely heartbreaking. I am also secretly hoping that since he’s bucked his dad’s orders about Shae, he will do the same with those orders about not bringing “the horde” to court. Only because I want to see Shagga meet Joffrey. They have similar accents and features and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Felicity: So do you think Shae has some ulterior motive?
Paul: She’s got something going on.
Danny: She’s so amazingly enigmatic, I just want to see what she’ll do.
Paul: That was some cold, hard shit right there. I was all ready to like Witchipoo.
Nick: I was too! And then she had to go and be such a disappointment. I got where she was coming from, but her and Dany could have been a great pairing.
Danny: I loved that twist, that Daenerys’ benevolence was pretty much for naught.
Paul: I keep forgetting I was rooting for the Rape and Pillage Party.
Felicity: Eh, she got hers in the end. Poor Dany. Drogo didn’t even get a decent death.
Nick: That was the worst possible death for Drogo, but this show likes doing that, it would seem.
Danny: Drogo’s death was like what Paul and I were talking about last week, where Martin and the writers are easing us in with fantasy archetypes only to pull them away and let the other characters take their place.
Paul: She probably did a good thing.
Felicity: It taught her a good lesson though. And now she has dragons!
Paul: Three of them.
Nick: And yet Dany was able to hold back her hate and free the rest of the slaves. Unlike everyone else in this Game of Thrones, she seems to learn from her mistakes
Danny: For most characters, making mistakes means you die. Daenerys is very lucky.
Felicity: Next time she’ll just be like, “Go eat them!”
Paul: That’s all it took to conquer all Kingdoms the first time.
Felicity: I do believe that if anyone could conquer and control all kingdoms again, it’d be Dany.
Paul: She is the Dragon.
Nick: I was telling Danny that the comments on another review of the show had one person talking about why Dany was going to win despite what a bunch of haters were saying. The poster’s argument essentially boiled down to in a war where two sides have a shitload of men and a third side has three nukes pointed at both, the nukes/dragons are going to win.
Felicity: Well now that she has dragons, it’ll be easy to raise an army. Though what she’ll do for money to get the ships, I’m not sure.
Danny: Step 1: Hatch dragons. Step 2: . . . Step 3: Money!
Nick: You don’t really need money when you roll into town with dragons and you’re the only one who’s fireproof.
Paul: She could start loaning them out for Heavy Metal album covers
Danny: I have a feeling that dragons, like kittens, grow up pretty fast.
Nick: Worst case: she turns her fireproofness into a magic show and goes to Vegas with her dragons.
Felicity: What’s she going to feed them? The horses?
Nick: Stray Dothraki, more like
Danny: I think she has an entire Seven Kingdoms to feed her dragons with.
Felicity: Good point.
Nick: Although, given the horse torture porn going on with this show, there will probably be some horse eating, too.
Paul: So, we think she’s going to round up a Dothraki army of her own?
Felicity: I’m pretty sure if Drogo had lived, he would’ve bitchslapped both of the women for killing his horse.
Danny: Oh yeah, I’m positive that dude does not suffer horse violence.
Felicity: I don’t really understand why she’d attack overseas anymore. She didn’t really seem to care, she just wanted to go home.
Nick: I think now she wants to go overseas because there is literally nothing left for her in Dothrak. But really, I imagine those dragons are going to net her instant followers and resources especially if she shows off what it means to be The Last Dragon. There’s just something about withstanding massive flames that gets people to treat you with respect.
Danny: Daenerys will gather followers by virtue of having dragons. Also, as The Last Dragon, she’s got to have The Glow.
Paul: Bringing sexy back.
Felicity: But she’s not the type to just rape and pillage for no reason. The brother was the bloodthirsty one.
Nick: It’s not exactly for no reason. They tried to kill her and arguably set in motion the plight that resulted in her husband and son’s deaths. She lost her husband, her son and her kingdom. So now she’s going back home to take what is hers. Who knows, maybe she’ll try diplomacy first.
Danny: I don’t think there’ll be raping and pillaging on Daenerys’ end, but I think she’ll be pretty ruthless on the way to the finish line. “Listen up, dipshits –”
Nick: “Y’all are a bunch of fucktards who put an incest baby on the throne. I have dragons. You can imagine how this will go, so just surrender now.” But really, I think she’s turning herself into a champion for the oppressed, and all of Dothrak has essentially been oppressed through isolation. Never mind the fact that the Seven Kingdoms themselves are full of people who are probably tired of being enslaved or turned into serfs or whatever
Paul: That’s a good point.
Danny: Of all the characters, we meet her when she’s in the worst condition, being sold to a bunch of crazy outlanders.
Nick: Season Two, I’m willing to wager, will find Dany turning into a kind of folk hero/messiah for the commoners and the wildlings. It is a Song of fire and ice, after all.
Felicity: Dragons vs White Walkers. That’s an interesting concept. If only Dany’s dragons can destroy what’s north of the wall.
Nick: Well, we already know White Walkers only fall to fire
Paul: I saw where the finale had the highest ratings of the season. So much for the quitters, eh?
Danny: Ha! I can’t imagine giving up on a show after it does something so daring.
Nick: Yeah, same here.
Paul: The people who said they weren’t even going to watch the finale, they loved Ned so much.
Danny: If I wasn’t watching Game of Thrones and I heard that they killed off the supposed main character, I’d surely start watching.
Felicity: True. Pretty much guaranteed a new plot twist with every episode.
Danny: It’s like casting Josh Charles in your movie. You know he’s going to betray the team. Cast Sean Bean, you better believe he’s getting killed off.
Paul: We’ve got the Night’s Watch marching out en masse, a King of the North, Tyrian becoming the Hand, Dany and her Dragons… There’s just too much going on to hang it all on one character.
Felicity: So I wonder what happens if all the Night’s Watch dies in this little endeavor and leaves the wall unmanned? Or even if only a couple survive?
Nick: Too bad he didn’t come back as a White Walker. That’d be like instant Goldeneye reference right there.
Danny: I loooved in that Night’s Watch portion of the show where his superior’s like “If we killed everyone who left the camp, we wouldn’t have a Night’s Watch.”
Nick: The Night’s Watch stuff is still the least interesting to me. It just seems so generic in comparison to everything else that’s going on, which is sad because on a lesser show it’d stand out.
Felicity: I think it’ll pick up once the monsters start attacking, haha.
Danny: Those scenes comprise, what? The F-plot of the show? It’s given the least amount of screentime, but I’m sure it’ll pick up later when the White Walkers become more relevant.
Nick: Or dragons come knocking on the wall.
Paul: I really can’t rank the storylines anymore. I love everything about every storyline now. I am Game of Thrones‘ bitch.
Paul: Arya and Robert’s bastard, teaming up!
Nick: You could team Arya up with pretty much anyone on this show and have a hit. Arya and Tyrion in… Little Badasses.
Danny: Apropos of nothing… Jon Snow. Gendry Waters. Is there a pattern to bastard naming?
Nick: Oh, speaking of which, I read an interesting theory about Jon Snow: that Ned wasn’t Snow’s father, that Ned was actually covering something up and that’s why he’s so silent on the subject. Here’s where it gets interesting… they suggested that Snow was actually the progeny of Ned’s sister and her kidnapper. Which was why Ned was especially quiet when Robert was prodding him about it.
Paul: What’s really funny is that we (and others) keep putting forth theories, when we could just read the damn books and probably know most of the answers.
Nick: Yeah, but that ruins all the fun.
Danny: Considering we have to wait a year for season two those books are really tempting now.
Nick: I know! Of course, Martin hasn’t finished the series, so it’s not like everything could be revealed yet.
Felicity: Resist! Stay strong!
