SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. 1964, USA. Directed by Nicholas Webster. Written by Glenville Mareth. Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Pia Zadora.
POPCORN: Dude, I got the cure for your holiday blues.
CINEMA: Only if there’s a gun in that bag there. And who said I had the blues?
POPCORN: You did. Every day for the last six weeks. Even if you didn’t, beatin’ up that Santa Claus outside of Wal-Mart mighta been a sign.
CINEMA: He was ringing that stupid bell right in my face.
POPCORN: Just sayin’. You been a gloomier bastard than usual, so I got this . . .
CINEMA: Eggnog?
POPCORN: Not just any eggnog, my friend. Special eggnog. And there’s this . . .
CINEMA: If that’s Santa Claus porn, I’m going to be very upset.
POPCORN: Not this time, dude. Here, just chill with your nog while I get this bad boy rollin’.
Television: “S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus
Hooray for Santy Claus
He’s fat and round, but jumpin’ jiminy
he can climb down any chimney!
When we hear sleigh bells ring
our hearts go ting-a-ling
’cause there’ll be presents under the tree
Hooray for Santy Claus!”
CINEMA: I’m going to beat you to death.
POPCORN: Dude, it’s SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS! Ain’t nobody can be all depressed when they see this flick.
CINEMA: Omigod, it’s sooo bad, please don’t make me . . .
POPCORN: Here you go, dude. It says, “A 1964 science-fiction movie regularly appearing on every list of the worst movies ever made . . . a no-budget film with cheesy acting, awful costumes, and a laughably bad script . . . most of the film was shot in an abandoned aircraft hangar in Long Island – ”
CINEMA: (groan)
POPCORN: ” – and the Martian stun-guns are actually Whammo Air Blasters, bought right off the shelves of a local toy store . . . featuring the first documented motion picture appearance of both Mrs. Claus and Pia Zadora . . .”
CINEMA: Do you really hate me this much?
POPCORN: “. . . the story involves the people of Mars, including Kimar (‘King Martian”) and Momar (‘Mom Martian’), who try to bring holiday joy to their children Bomar -”
CINEMA: Wait, let me guess. Boy Martian? And the girl Martian is . . .”
POPCORN: Girmar, dude. That’s right.
Television: “At this time, station KID-TV brings you the special event of the year, a first in television history. At this very moment, KID-TV has standing by a television crew at Santa Claus’ workshop, and in just a few seconds our special correspondent, Andy Henderson, will bring you a person-to-person interview with Santa Claus himself, direct from the North Pole, where at the moment the temperature is 91 degrees . . . below zero.”
POPCORN: Dude, check out the funky green kids watching Earth TV. They look about as cheery as you do.
Television: “Hi kids, this is Andy Henderson at the North Pole. Woo, it’s cold up here, heh-heh-heh. From this spot, there’s only one direction you can go, and that’s south, heh-heh-heh.”
CINEMA: How many drugs does one have to ingest to come up with this movie?
POPCORN: All of ’em, dude. Now drink your eggnog.
Television: “Living up here is pretty rough. I don’t know how Santa stands it, heh-heh-heh. Since we’ve been here we’ve eaten nothing but frozen food. At least that’s the way it is by the time we get it, ooh-hoo, heh-heh-heh. And now let’s take a look-see into Santa’s workshop.”
CINEMA: This was directed by Nicholas Webster, who is best known for the iconic 1977 episode of ‘IN SEARCH OF . . .’ that introduced the world to Big Foot. This movie undoubtedly helped to cast even more skepticism on the reality of that later documentary. Of course, considering how terribly directed this is –
POPCORN: No way he coulda faked a documentary. Hey, dude, it’s Santa.
Television: “You caught me at a very busy time.”
“You think you’ll be ready by Christmas Eve?”
“Well, we haven’t disappointed the kids yet.”
CINEMA: Omigod, Santa laughs like a drunken fool.
POPCORN: Damn right. More eggnog, dude?
CINEMA: Holy crap, I’m going to need a LOT more eggnog than this to get through this movie.
POPCORN: Dude, look at Mrs. Claus! Gettin’ all stupid when she realizes she’s on TV.
CINEMA: She’s also drunk. Hey, look at the elf!
Television: “What’s this strange creature over here?”
“Oh, Winky made that. That’s his idea of a Martian.”
“I wouldn’t want to meet a creature like that on a dark night.”
CINEMA: Ha! That elf looks like Tattoo as a drag queen – and he’s worried about the Martian.
Television: “I hope they have someone like you up there Santa, to bring joy and good cheer to all the Martian children.”
POPCORN: Sweet, we’re going back to Mars. Hey, what? They look exactly like the dolls that elf made. Hold up, dude, here’s who I wanna be . . .
Television: ” – Dropo . . . the laziest man on Mars -”
CINEMA: All you need is a rocket. Heh.
POPCORN: Dude, you really think they call themselves Martians? I mean, what if they call Earth, like, Jingy-bingy? Maybe they never been here, so they don’t know what we call this place. We’d be Jingy-bingians.
CINEMA: What are you, high? Heh-heh.
Television: “This little doll walks, talks, cries, and she even sings.”
“Almost like a real live little girl.”
“That she is, sir, that she is. All she needs is tender loving care.”
POPCORN: Dude, Martian kids are back.
Television: “What’s a doll?”
“I don’t know. What is tender loving care?”
CINEMA: Awwwww. So, what do you suppose those Martian helmets are made of?
POPCORN: Looks like a flight helmet, dude. Spray painted green, with, like, a copper plumbing tube stickin’ out of it. Dude, we could totally make this movie.
CINEMA: Even the King of the Martians has trouble getting his kids to go to sleep.
POPCORN: Dude, sleep spray. You s’pose they really got such a thing?
CINEMA: On Mars . . . or here? I think there is. Here, that is. There’s melatonin in it, and . . . why not a sex spray? or happy spray? Foolish Jingy-bingians. Heh. Oh wait, they’re going to see Chochem, the ancient Martian wise one. Here, this would be me .
Television: “You called me, Kimar?”
POPCORN: Ha! Dude, Chochem looks like the love child of Gandalf and that rat-dude from the Ninja Turtles. This is sweet.
Television: “We need your advice. Something is wrong with our children. They eat not. They sleep not. Their only interest is watching meaningless Earth programs on the video.”
CINEMA: Meaningless Earth programs in 1964 . . .
POPCORN: Bozo the Clown.
CINEMA: Ah, yes. Mister Ed.
POPCORN: The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
CINEMA: Oh, good one. Also, RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED
REINDEER premiered on NBC.
POPCORN: BONANZA was still on.
CINEMA: Too easy, that was on forever. Other debuts . . .
POPCORN: Dude, TOP OF THE POPS.
CINEMA: On BBC, yeah. Very good. But here in the States, we had . . . JEOPARDY! BEWITCHED . . . THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. . . .
POPCORN: GILLIGAN’S ISLAND . . . UNDERDOG.
CINEMA: THE ADDAMS FAMILY, and . . .
POPCORN: THE MUNSTERS!
CINEMA: He shoots, he scores.
POPCORN: Dude, what’s up with your Martian Yoda here? He looks drunk.
CINEMA: Not drunk, high. And out of breath. Damn, get the wise-man an inhaler already.
Television: “We have no children on Mars. They have children’s bodies, but with adult minds. They do not have a childhood. I’ve seen this coming for centuries. They are born. Our electronic teaching machines are attached to their brains when they are in their cradles. Information is fed into their minds in a constant stream, and by the time they can walk they are adults. They’ve never played. They never learned to have fun, and now . . . they are rebelling.”
POPCORN: That’s your problem, dude.
CINEMA: I’ve had fun.
POPCORN: In this decade, or was grunge still popular?
Television: “What do you advise?”
“The children must be allowed to be children again. They must learn to play. They must learn what it means to have fun. We need a Santa Claus on Mars.”
CINEMA: Poof! And the wise-man is gone, in a flash of fake movie smoke.
POPCORN: So what’s up with Voldar? Look at him, dude.
CINEMA: Heh-heh. Man-boobs and a Martian porn-stache.
Television: “Desperate problems require desperate deeds. Earth has had Santa Clause long enough. We will bring him to Mars . . . prepare Rocket Number One.”
CINEMA: If this script landed on the desk of a SyFy channel exec . . . he might actually turn it down. But I find myself, somehow . . . enjoying it. What the hell did you put in that eggnog? Whoa! Look at that spaceship! Stop it, please, I can’t take the overwhelming visual onslaught.
Television: “Let’s see if we can locate Santa Claus. He wears a red suit trimmed with white fur and he has a long white beard.”
POPCORN: Like your mom, dude.
Television: “Why, there are hundreds of Santa Clauses down there!”
POPCORN: So, dude . . . what the hell?
CINEMA: Hey, you picked this. Heh. I was going to do something on Santa Claus appearances in non-English speaking films, if I was going to do anything.
Television: “We interrupt our program with a special bulletin! An unidentified object has been spotted in orbit around the Earth. The Soviet Union denies that it has launched any new space satellites.”
CINEMA: But why do anything?
POPCORN: That, dude. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
CINEMA: Bah! Check out that stock military footage. Heh-heh-heh. That radar . . . those prongs look like . . . the cardboard cores from rolls of wrapping paper. Ha! Oh, wait, wait –
Television: “Billy, what does a Martian look like?”
“Betty, you and your imagination. Come on, let’s go home. Oh! Who – who are you?”
“We’re from Mars. Don’t be afraid. We have children just like you on Mars.”
CINEMA: Ha! You mean, children with pee stains on their pants? Bah-HAHAHA!!
POPCORN: Hug it out, bro? You need more eggnog? Maybe a stripper?
Television: “What are those funny things sticking out of your head?”
“Our antenna.”
“Are you a television set?”
“Heh-heh-heh.”
“Stupid question! Is this what you want to do to our children on Mars, turn them into nincompoops like these?”
CINEMA: Wow, Voldar’s a dick.
POPCORN: Dude, you’re turning into Voldar.
CINEMA: What?
POPCORN: For real, man. If you were a fruit, you’d be a sour-ass, bitter lemon.
Television: “We’re looking for one of your Santa Clauses.”
“There’s only one Santa Claus.”
“We’ve seen many of them in your cities.”
“Oh, those are his helpers. There’s only one real Santa Claus and he’s in his workshop up in the North Pole.”
POPCORN: Serious, dude. I know you’re all, like, dark and cynical, but this shit goes deeper.
CINEMA: Yeah.
POPCORN: Dude . . .
CINEMA: Nothing shines anymore. Know what I mean? It’s like everything’s already been done, and . . . nothing I do is going anywhere. There are movies and television . . . they distract me for a while. Then I remember.
POPCORN: What?
CINEMA: That I’m old, or getting there. That it’s all going to end. That everything is messed up.
POPCORN: So, we’re like those two old dudes on the Muppet Show?
Television: “If we take them with us to Mars, Santa’s disappearance will remain a mystery. No one on Earth will ever know Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians.”
CINEMA: Everything falls apart. Time . . . our bodies, minds. Friendships. Our goals in life . . . hell, my goals for the day don’t hold up anymore. We put in the time each week to do this, so maybe three or four people might care. Then it’s time for breakfast . . . and, twenty minutes later, I’m having breakfast again, hoping that this day is the one . . . you know, the one that really matters. The one that’s going to last forever.
POPCORN: Life is like a cookie, dude. That shit crumbles and it don’t last forever, but sometimes it’s kinda tasty.
CINEMA: Aren’t you afraid?
POPCORN: You ain’t twenty anymore, man. Hell, you ain’t even thirty. But you aren’t dead. Know what I’m saying? All your shit might hurt more than it used to, and the chicks ain’t lookin’ as much as they used to –
CINEMA: Heh, they never really did.
POPCORN: So nothin’s really changed. Other than your face. Old saggy bastard. But when you were twenty, dude . . . you didn’t know how much time you had. You still don’t. Nothin’ changed. Still gonna wake up tomorrow and it’s gonna be, like, a new day and shit.
Television: “. . . we’ll activate Torg -”
“Torg? To catch a roly-poly little man like Santa Claus, we don’t need Torg.”
CINEMA: Heh. I think we’ve found the name of your biography, ‘A New Day and Shit.’
POPCORN: Damn right. Dude . . . so we gonna go kidnap Santa, or what?
CINEMA: No. Heh-heh.
POPCORN: Cuz the children must learn to be children again. They must learn to play. They must learn what it is to have fun.
CINEMA: Shut up, and check out the best robot you’ve ever seen in a science fiction movie.
POPCORN: Whoa. Dude, what the hell?
CINEMA: It’s Torg. Probably a reference to Gort from THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. But this one was fashioned from a large cardboard box, which was apparently painted silver. Then someone drew . . . robotic parts, I guess, although they look like eyes on Torg’s chest –
POPCORN: Or boobs.
CINEMA: Or boobs. You know . . . you’re right.
POPCORN: About that cookie shit, right?
CINEMA: No, we could totally make this movie.
POPCORN: Tellin’ you, man. Get some plumbing parts, green paint, polar bear suit. Hey, check it out . . . Torg’s about to bust into Santa’s workshop.
CINEMA: Hey . . . thank you.
POPCORN: Dude.
CINEMA: Merry Christmas, my friend.
POPCORN: Merry Christmas, dude.