So here’s something you don’t need to be told: Jaws did really, really well. It did so well that it got a lot of rip-off films, including its own sequels. And it wasn’t just restricted to sharks either. Killer whales, octopuses (octopi?), alligators, everyone jumped on the Jaws bandwagon. But most of them missed the reason why Jaws did so well. It was more about the writing and acting and direction and less about the fact that it was a giant shark. Jaws could have been written as a bear and set in the woods and I think it would have done just as well
But why bother with all that when you can take a shortcut. Why do real work when shark related anything = Jaws? But there is an issue with this line of thought. They have to always come up with crazier ideas to out-crazy whatever came the year before. So after Sand Sharks, after Avalanche Sharks, what could they possibly do to escalate things? To what fresh wellspring of madness could they draw inspiration from? What about– a shark with two heads?!? Okay, I’ll be nice. The name may be uninspired but the creature itself makes up for it in pure B-monster glory. An odd side note, the Hindi version of this is called Beach Girls 2. I was unable to find the first Beach Girls.
Two-Headed Shark Attack is a 2012 Asylum film produced for SyFy for a measly budget of one million bucks, which just goes to show that a little imagination and a goofy concept can go a long way.
The film stars forgettable TV actor Charlie O’Connell who was also in Kraken: Tentacle of the Deep (Can’t wait to review that gem) as Professor Franklin Babish, one of the main/not main characters. Brooke Hogan, in her second role in some shark nonsense as “Kate” and Carmen Electra as Anne Babish, the professor’s wife. She is easily the best actor in this. But again, we aren’t here for fish food. We’re here for the shark.
What great poster art. Brooke never takes her top off in the movie and the shark seems to be bearing down on Carmen. And let the nitpicking begin, for the harvest of low fruit is great. He-who-walks-behind the sharks be praised.
The film wastes zero time giving us the plot of the film because we gotta get to the carnage fast. A group of students is on a research boat to learn… sea stuff. They don’t go too much into detail, and no one would probably listen anyway with all the flesh on display. That’s not really a complaint either; after the awful lengthy attempts at character building in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, this shallow introduction is rather welcome. I mean, you don’t watch a movie like this for the cerebral writing, right?
The shark attacks the ship because boats are a shark’s natural enemy in these things. Professor Babish takes most of the shark snacks to a nearby atoll to find supplies to fix the boat with and Anne staying behind because… they couldn’t afford more scenes with her I assume.
A giant squid? Really Mr. O’Connell? Are you trying to be typecast? And why do I feel like this is the ending to a better movie we didn’t get to watch. Two-Headed Shark vs The Kraken sounds like something I would totally watch. Seriously, get on that shit, Syfy! I have made the joke a few times about characters being bland and interchangeable and that applies here as well. But unlike other movies I’ve reviewed, this one stands out by having some of the most alien dialogue I have heard. Not forced dialogue, mind you. Alien dialogue. As in, lines that don’t seem related to what is going on, or just seem utterly unnecessary. No time to worry about that though because we have a sudden nude scene. You would think a group of people on a small atoll wouldn’t allow for an impromptu lesbian nude scene, but you would be very mistaken. What could have been a sexy scene is somewhat undermined by the male characters who looks about as comfortable as any man at a threesome where the girls are clearly more interested in each other.
He didn’t need to be in the scene is my belabored point.
This leads to the most amazing kill scene in any shark film ever in history, hands down, don’t bother with nominations because we have a winner. The two girls begin to vomit blood as they stand in place facing whatever-his-name-is. This means the sharks two heads have sneaked up and began to devour them before they even had a chance to scream, all the while not causing any noticeable disturbance to the water. Even in a fictional universe, I cannot see that happening. Therefore the shark must have killed them using psychic powers, which only makes this shark even more badass.
And yeah, while I’m on the subject, the shark is gloriously awesome. Essentially it is a giant great white with dual heads like a Pokemon, but the design is actually pretty cool. Even in the obviously CG shots, this thing is passable. Not realistic, but far enough from the uncanny valley that I forgive it. Oh, and it growls. Because if you’re gonna steal from Jaws you should steal from Jaws: The Revenge.
Marathon, Florida
In a sea of shark movies desperate for a memorable gimmick, this one gives you something to sink your teeth into. Flesh for days, simplistic plot, an awesome monster and one of the highest body counts you will find. And there’s a sequel, appropriately called Three-Headed Shark Attack. Guess the twist.
I absolutely recommend this as a stupid fun movie to watch with friends. Here’s a bonus drinking game; take a shot every time they show the shark swimming fast while not getting closer. Not recommended for people new to drinking games.
https://youtu.be/dLVKnZzYO0M