Kung Fury (2015)

You know, I wanted to do a review for this movie, like, pretty bad. I called dibs on it months in advance, even, despite the fact that nobody expressed any knowledge of its existence, much less desire to share their feelings on it as I had.

However, now that I’ve seen Kung Fury, I’m not so sure it needs to be reviewed. My opinion has somewhat changed. This movie doesn’t need to be reviewed, it just needs to be seen, in order to believed. The cool part about that is that it’s extremely fucking easy, because it’s on YouTube and is only half an hour long. The only way it could be easier to access is if it were fifteen seconds long and directly in front of your face at all times, but I assure you that this way’s better.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Or just keep reading and when you get to the bottom, watch it here!]

So, no, this isn’t going to be a review. It’s gonna be free fucking advertising because that’s all this movie actually needs. If you want, just stop reading this, type “Kung Fury” into the YouTube search, and watch it. I honestly don’t give a damn if you listen to what I say about it or not as long as you watch it – however, in the event that you want me to wimp out and do stuff like “tell you what it’s about” or “sell you on it,” fine. I will. Just remember that it didn’t have to come to this.

This is Kung motherfuckin’ Fury.

I’m so excited!

This movie was made on Kickstarter, which I’m increasingly convinced is God’s way of showing us his love. It was created under the premise of allowing the backers to choose themes for the film… but fuck guys, this is the internet we’re talking about, what did they think was gonna happen?

Of course, we got shit like “kung fu,” “Hitler,” “dinosaurs,” “Vikings,” “hacking,” and a pile of other stuff that, when added together, made Kung Fury JUST AS AWESOME AS YOU’D EXPECT. Set in the distant lands of the American 1980’s (because, seriously, it’s the only way this could have worked), this film is uproariously fantastic in just about every way. Our hero is a red-headband-wearing “cop” who is only referred to as Kung Fury, who gained his amazing powers after being struck by lightning… and bitten by a cobra. But now, with Adolf Hitler – better known as the Kung Führer – having come forward in time to unleash his own kung fu havoc on the “modern” world, there’s no way to prevent a time-travelling kung fu showdown.

When Kung Fury realizes that he will have to travel back in time to Nazi Germany to defeat Hitler, a prodigious hacker (known, conveniently, as “Hackerman”) offers to… ahem….

…Hack him back in time.

YEAH.

AND IT INVOLVES A POWER GLOVE.

But oh no! They’ve hacked too far back, sending Kung Fury to the Viking times, which as you know were populated with laser-raptors and Gatling-gun-wielding Valkyries. After bro-ing out a bit with Thor himself, Kung Fury gets sent back… to the future!

Well, the future from there. Not the actual future. Actually he gets sent to the past, which was the future of the past he was currently residing in.

WHATEVER.

But then, it’s pretty much on. The gang’s all present – Kung Fury, Triceracop (you read that right), Thor and the Valkyries, Hackerman (in a giant transformer suit), and a motherfuckin’ T-Rex. And it’s time to beat the fucking shit out of Hitler and his infinite swarm of gasmask-clad Nazi warriors.

Now, I mean, all of this stuff sounds awesome, whether you think so or not. But if it’s not actually made well, it won’t be any good, right?

This is where Kung Fury, perhaps surprisingly, really delivers. Most of the effects are CGI, but the film itself is presented in a hyper-corny, stylized, 80’s-throwback grindhouse style, so even when the effects aren’t perfect, they damn near look perfect. It isn’t really necessary for things to look real because nothing looks real, and the whole damn thing is over-the-top (if you hadn’t sussed that out from what I’ve already said about it). Even Kung Fury’s raspy bad-cop growl is ticklishly unrealistic.

The actors clearly have no confusion whatsoever about the kind of movie they’re making, and each one milks their role for all its worth. The effects are strong and actually, the story is pretty tidy – sure, it’s only thirty minutes, but oftentimes it seems like they simply used what was necessary to make a movie and left the rest out. No filler, no chat, just outrageously over-the-top fight scenes and a laugh a minute.

Actually, what rather comes to mind is one of those video game trailers that seems so awesome, but is only like a minute and a half, and leaves you going “Man, imagine if they made movies that were this awesome?” Kung Fury is a lot like that, and after just half an hour of being rocked by it I feel so satisfied that I suddenly want a cigarette.

Or maybe it was just Thor’s sick pecs.

So now that you’ve read this far, and are definitely gonna go to YouTube and check this out (I’ll even help and provide a link, you lazy bastards), can we both agree that you didn’t need to read this and should have just watched it like I asked you to in the first place?

Just remember: Don’t hassle the Hoff, and whatever you do, DON’T insult an arcade cabinet.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: I told you it would be here. Plus, also check out David Hasselhoff’s “True Survivor” video!]