This holiday season, we at Psycho Drive-In would like to introduce you to the good, the bad, and ugly of not just any Holiday Films, but the Holiday Films you may have forgotten, overlooked, or just didn’t realize were Holiday Films. There’s no Rankin-Bass, no Miracles on any streets, no traditional happy family gathering fare. Instead there’s a lot of blood, violence, some terrorists, monsters, and even aliens. Plus more than a couple of bizarre Anti-Santas to go around. Twelve days, twelve films, twelve opportunities to amuse and disturb your families this holiday season.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, Paul Brian McCoy gives to you, Santa’s Slay (2005).
It’s a rare filmmaker that would even think casting the world of wrestling’s Bill Goldberg as Santa was a good idea. But it’s a rare filmmaker like David Steiman who would think to write and direct a film like Santa’s Slay, where Santa is actually the immaculate conception of the devil who lost a Curling game to an angel and for the last 1000 years has been forced to bring presents and joy rather than the murder and chaos he’d brought over the centuries prior. But in 2005, his century is up and Santa has payback on his mind.
The strongest part of the film is the cameo-filled opening sequence (although the rest of the film isn’t necessarily weak) featuring James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. They are a horrible family gathered together for a snipe and profanity-laced Christmas dinner that is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of Santa… who proceeds to violently — and creatively — murder everybody in the room.
Santa’s Slay is a strange beast. It’s not really horror, instead being more of an adult comedy loaded with violence, some gore, naked ladies, swearing, and a high-concept that was a bit more thought out than I originally expected. Plus, there’s Curling! It’s also filled with puns, bad jokes, and a hint of romance. Of all the films we’ve presented during this 12 Days of Christmas films special event, Santa’s Slay is the film I’m most likely to sit down with friends, drink beer, and laugh my ass off with.
Where the film slows down a little is with the main characters, Douglas Smith as Nicolas Yuleson, Emilie de Ravin as Mary Mackenzie, and Robert Culp as Grandpa. But understand, when I say “slows down” I don’t mean that the movie gets boring or predictable. These characters are the story, really.
It’s so much darned fun watching Goldberg dressed as Santa — and not your traditional storefront Santa, but in full-on traditional Northern-European-style Santa garb, in a sleigh that’s pulled by a flying bison (a Helldeer, according to the film) — killing people like an action hero/villain, that everything else in the film pales in comparison. He quips, he struts, he burns down a strip club after fighting the bar staff in a scene that reveals a love of Road House.
Smith is perfect as the douchie sixteen year-old grandson of the possibly insane Culp, and de Ravin plays a tomboy who is still just stunningly gorgeous with a crush on Nicolas for some reason. It’s also got Saul Rubinek as the local Jewish deli (where Nicolas and Mac work) owner Mr. Green and Dave Thomas as the corrupt as hell Pastor Timmons. And did I mention all the action takes place in Hell Township? That opens up quite a few puns, as well.
This is such a weird movie that I’m hesitant to recommend it, but dammit, I love it. It’s a film that does its own thing and doesn’t care whether or not you’re going to accept it. Hell, there’s even a Rankin-Bass-style animated segment where we learn of Santa’s origin and witness the original Curling game that locks him into his 1000-year agreement.
So basically, if you love bad jokes — and I mean groaners — energetic action sequences and violence, slight blasphemy, lots of cursing, and Curling, this is the holiday film for you. By which, I mean this is the holiday film for me. Where else are you gonna see Santa cram a turkey leg into James Caan’s mouth — after pinning his hands to the table with forks — before slamming his face into the table, killing him.
Oh, and he also sets Fran Drescher’s head on fire.
Really you should see it just for that opening scene. The rest is gravy. Delicious Christmas gravy.