As this episode of CSI: Cyber began, I watched the intercut scenes between an actual roller coaster and a model replica of the same roller coaster. I saw the man overseeing the crash of his model, leering like Gomez Addams over his model trains, followed by the crash of the actual roller coaster. And then something occurred to me. Maybe this whole series will turn out to be happening in the mind of a child, who is playing with his action figures. I mean, there could be a Patricia Arquette action figure from, I don’t know, Nightmare on Elm Street 3 or True Romance or something. And if there isn’t a James Van Der Beeck Power Rangers action figure available by now, the people at Hot Topic must have lost the phone number of their vendors. But then I realize that such a revelation would have to carry over to the five gajillion other CSI shows and would probably tie it all into St. Elsewhere, which ran on a different network, and I have to admit I’ll never get the ending that would so very much satisfy me. So instead, I have to accept that no one is making this stuff up. Or, well, you know what I…
Actually, no. I stand by that last statement.
So, to sum up, the CSI: Cyber villain du jour infiltrates the computerized safety mechanisms of a high-speed roller coaster and causes it to crash. There’s bloody mangled bodies and bloody mangled roller coaster pieces everywhere. Gruesome? Forboding? Not nearly as much as Avery Ryan’s story about the time her cyber chastity was violated and someone DIED because of it.
After she tells her story (over the opening credits), we are left with the tag line “it could happen to you”. At this point, you realize that your grandmother in Florida is clicking her tongue and telling your grandfather that first thing tomorrow morning she’s going to call you and warn you again about the dangers of those social internet web sites you spend so much time on and how all your secrets are out there waiting to be found by some horrible person who will exploit them and make someone die and also how if you want to bring that boyfriend of yours to visit for spring break again this year, she and your grandfather will be sure to take out their hearing aids at night so you can be just as loud as you want to be, dear.
This being the series’ second episode, it’s high time we begin to learn a bit more about the members of Team Avery. Well, actually, we only get to learn a little bit about Brody and get one more piece of the manly, musky puzzle that is Elijah Mundo. First Brody. He’s one of the team’s reformed Black Hat Hacker turned White Hat Hackers. And yes, there most certainly is more than one of those on this team. Brody wakes up with his Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog model girlfriend (and may I interject “Day-um. Well done, son.”). He rushes out to his ringing car alarm to find Avery Ryan demonstrating her superior team-building skills by using her Take Over Strange Car Alarms App to get his attention then tell him he can’t see the aforementioned underwear girl (who is another Black Hat Hacker, naturally) without violating the terms of his… Parole? Plea bargain? Job description? It’s really all the same for Avery Ryan, Motivational Leadership Expert. Brody spends the rest of the episode auditioning for The Odd Couple with Krumitz (the team’s Alpha amongst the reformed Black Hats)
Also on deck for character development is Elijah Mundo, Voted Most Likely to Make Ladies Swoon in the CSI yearbook. When Avery notices his pink friendship bracelet, he peels back his man’s man exterior for a moment to lay it on the line about the difficulties of sharing custody of his daughter. Don’t worry, though. Avery is here to pull us back from the precipice of “A Very Special Episode of CSI: Cyber” as she divulges the sage words “Divorce is hard. It’ll get better.” Boss-man Simon comes along to definitively damper any chance at a human moment with their assignment.
OK, so this next bit is where I feel my own humanity may have faltered a bit. See, there’s cell phone footage from the moment of the crash. Some poor schlub was trying to propose to his girlfriend as she exited the roller coaster. He didn’t ride it with her, though. Instead, he waited on the platform for her and her friend or sister or whatever to ride it so that he could pop the question as she’s exiting the ride. Before she can answer him, the crash happens, killing her. Here’s the problem, no matter how many times I watched the crash, I laughed EVERY SINGLE TIME. Worried for my typically unwavering sense of empathy, I asked my wife to watch it too. When she burst out laughing, I was relieved to know that, at the very least, I wasn’t the only one whose heart was shriveling into a calloused ball of wrinkled flesh.
Watching the video, Simon mentions for the second time that the roller coaster’s computer must be considered an accomplice. I think he was trying to make a joke, but he should really stop it.
The team travels by map to Thrill Country in Richmond, VA, where Avery and Mundo come face to face with Alex, the would-be fiancé. He’s trying to cross the police line around the crash site so that he can get in there and look for the ring which went missing in the fracas after the crash. He probably kept the receipt. At least, I hope he did. She was totally gonna say no to the poor guy. He wouldn’t even ride the roller coaster with her. He doesn’t have a job and was fired from this very amusement park (this all comes out later, but damn, man; have some self-respect). Hate to say it, but saving that Zales receipt would have been a no-brainer, dude. Avery makes a solemn vow to work the hell out of this case just in time for the Who to sing to us about their new eyeglasses.
All that was the lead-in? Geez, this episode must be jam-packed.Actually, no.
When we come back from commercial, we get a helpful glossary term. To wit,
BLACK HAT HACKER-
ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY BREACHES A DEVICE WITH MALICIOUS INTENT
Does that means the time I hacked my ex-girlfriend’s FB page on her cell phone and changed her relationship status to “Some assembly required, batteries not included” makes me a Black Hat Hacker? Shit.
Anyway, I digress.
They determine that Alex was laid off from the park a month or so ago, which gives us this week’s installment of Mundo’s Nuggets of Wisdom. “Laid off is a nice way of saying fired.” Truth, Elijah. Truth. As they talk with Alex, we are reminded that Avery’s official mutant power is reading facial tics. She determines that Alex had nothing to do with the crash.
Krumitz explains the technical side of things with bacon. One is led to assume Krumitz uses bacon to explain a lot of things. One must also assume that Krumitz uses bacon to hide the pain. We learn that just as the internet has brought together all the cultures of the world into one giant community, it has become a giant clubhouse for pedophiles and roller coaster saboteurs. Ultimately, I was unclear how the bacon figured into this explanation. I think the writers must have just recognized that it’s inherently funny when the portly characters talk about bacon.
Bossman Simon shows up to fulfill his contractual obligation to sum up everything we’ve seen so far this episode. It was just in time, too. It seemed to be the only thing that could stop Avery from saying the term “gore porn” over and over.
Raven, another hacker who has traded her black hat for a white one (yes, another one), finds some blood on the device from the roller coaster’s control panel. This leads to Mundo nearly causing a heart attack in the guy who designed the circuit board. Damn, Mundo! Take it down a couple of notches, all right? This guy’s just some poor working stiff making black market computer circuit boards for cash, no questions asked, you know? This dead end inspires Avery to hand Brody the key to his deep web chastity belt. In seconds, he has joined a saboteur chat room and identifies OTTO as our man.
Bossman Simon pops in again to make sure your grandparents in Florida are able to keep up with the story. The team discovers that OTTO is planning to crash a subway in Boston for his next trick. Mundo surprises us all with a sweet Bluetooth hack, but that’s nothing compared to Avery’s ordering Brody to “Tell Otto I’m incredibly aroused by his promise of spectacle.” That’s dark, Agent Ryan. Real dark.
Minutes later, the team is in Boston. We get our first real glimpse of OTTO. Coincidentally, I have that same shirt. How embarrassing. We learn that Mundo drives like a true Masshole. The Massachusetts Governor shuts down all the subways in Boston. Well, except for that one. Old Donnie must have spilled his flask on the radio equipment again. Dammit, Donnie. At the station, Mundo bravely leaps aboard the departing train. Brody stays back at the station, talking to Mundo on the phone. Of course, the train’s control panel is under the train, so that Mundo has to hang out of the back door and extract the control device. The twist? He can’t quite reach it. BUT! He has his daughter’s friendship bracelet, which perfectly bridges the gap, magically attaches itself to just the right pressure point, and pulls the circuit board out of its mooring. The day is saved.
Back at the platform, a crowd of confused Bostonians is no match for Avery Ryan’s mutant facial tic reading abilities. She quickly susses OTTO out of the crowd. The day is saved. Again.
Home again, home again. Mundo reunites with his daughter, who sternly reprimands him for not wearing the bracelet until he explains that her bracelet saved a lot of people today. They cut to a super-slo-mo embrace, which I’m certain was the editors’ way of cutting off Michelle’s inevitable response: “That’s what you said about the birthday presents, Daddy.”
Overall, another train wreck of an episode.
What, too soon?